Nov 02, 2022
Hey there! FINALLY I found the time to finish reading this story 😅
I would also like to give you a bit feedback on what I thought about it in the hopes that it will help you.
First of all this is one of the best stories I read from the Cyberpunk Prompt Board. You nailed the witty dialogue and the kind of inhuman and dirty aesthetic. In contrast to many other stories this actually FELT like Cyberpunk.
The character were written just great. I really loved Pyro and her short temper (which works well with her ability) and Joe complements that just great with his "You get used to it" attitude.
But let's go into more detail about a few things, that I think could be improved:
Cyberpunk is a really tricky genre to pull off in the regard that it (for me) has to feature the beauty of the world's ugliness to one degree or another. Like gauging at the huge neon billboards, the crowds of people with high-tech prosthetics and even the dirty back alleys where dealers peddle their wares. It might not be a world you want to live in, but for me Cyberpunk always has to have this style that makes me want to "gauge" at the "beauty" of the world. Especially at the beginning you had great world building - the "demise" part so to say. And when they planned for stealing the thumb drive. The streets were dirty and the dystopian part was very clearly visible. But then Pyro got imprisoned and gone was all the "Punk", but all we had were those grey, dystopian prison walls. And that is not saying the prison wasn't interesting and all, but it got dull quickly for my taste.
This might also be a problem with my expectations/what I am used to, but to me it felt like the story lost the "light house at the horizon" at this point as well. It is totally fine to break the intermediary story goal or MacGuffin apart ... even to walk around aimlessly for a few chapters - your plot twists are great! - but at some point you have to find your way into the tracks again.
I know it would be unfair to say this is the case all the time: Pyro receiving her purple type abilities was such a goal or her finding the hidden corridor, but those were rather short-term goals. Breaking out of the prison could have been one for example.
If I would have to guess, I would say the latter part of the story was to some degree improvised. You wanted to stray from the generic "I break free from the prison and kick the baddies asses" plot line, but conceptualizing and executing it in a way that would be innovative and fresh would have required too much time for the contest period. Doing new stuff is always a lot more trial and error compared to doing stuff that has been done a hundred times before with a personal twist. And it might as well not work out and has to be disposed in the end.
Another thing that I though was a bit forced/out of the blue, was the romance between Pyro and Joe - though I'm a bit divided on this one. They do have a great chemistry and they do even have a bit of tension, maybe even of the romantic type, going on. I even love stories of whatever genre that feature romance side plots, but this here feels a bit forced. The line between friends and lovers is thin and if you want you could interpret the same actions as romantic advances as well as a simple flirt between friends. I think foreshadowing would have helped here. Not necessarily one that sets the two of them up, but one that demonstrated that this story is also capable of featuring romance (maybe between a few side characters). When the first ten chapters seemed to be completely devoid of romance, I personally had already made a mental note that this story just didn't feature it. And that is completely fine! ... But when it is suddenly there anyways, it feels a bit odd and forced.
I still think that you are a great writer. Those issues might to some degree be completely personal for me and probably even caused because of the time restriction. You have to shuffle a few things around in the last time and still keep the text itself at a high quality. And as I said, writing and inventing new and fresh stuff are quite labor-intensive as well ... you have to to make a cut somewhere. I know that from my own experience very well ...
It's still great that you finished this story before the deadline and that at a quality as high as this. Keep moving on! I will stay in the loop 😊😉
