Jul 21, 2022
I think that you're off to a good start, plotwise. But I find it rather difficult to read at times. Is there a reason why you have so many run on sentences? Just looking at the first paragraph, you have 5 clauses in a single sentence, and it happens just about everywhere. It would be better to break them up into their own sentences to make it easier to digest.
Especially when you start mentioned completely separate things within that same sentence, it becomes hard to focus on what is being conveyed.
