Mar 23, 2025
ok quick thoughts
on a technical level I don't have any nitpicks except mayyybe some paragraphs are chonky for mobile, but in general I've had no trouble following the story along (though the first chapter kind of felt too 'sudden' for lack of a better term)
plot-wise it's moving along at a steady pace, and the 'antagonist' seems clear, although I'm looking forward to see more about the queen's motivations other than her being evil because story. I'm sure it'll come in due time, I'm just curious. also, the prompt is pretty clear from the start unlike a lot of entries I've read... or written... ahAHhaH
my main complaint is that the main couple has like no chemistry. I'm not saying I want every female lead to be a sarcastic quippy strong independent woman, but so far she feels so passive that the balls line took me out of the story not only because I haven't mentally evolved in a decade, but also because it was until THEN that I noticed this is in first person perspective. Does she have like... hobbies? Ambitions? A favorite color? Anything? On one hand, I get that she's from a poor upbringing, has had a rough life and has to be passive due to her job to some degree, but that doesn't mean she can't have nothing OUTSIDE of her work. I feel like this is something I see a lot in these kinds of fics, manwhas included, so if you're going for that vibe, you're doing it well, but... ykno. Some flavor would be nice.
Unfortunately this also goes for Jase. I get that he's introverted and hyperfocuses on his studies, but what else? It's hard to really get any chemistry when they seem to exist as puppets for the plot to happen rather than feel like actual people, idk. Maybe this will happen as the story goes on? But it's been eleven chapters so far, so surely there could've been SOMETHING else by now. I kind of don't buy their relationship, either. She's a prodigy of untold proportions who barely studied and could keep up with college-level teachings and he likes that and likes that he can share his knowledge with someone who's genuinely interested in it. Sure, that's cool. And then? Does he like her, or does he like that he can be a nerd with someone else? Does she like him, or does she like that someone is being nice to her? If so, why not like Darla instead? There's been very little indication that she feels any real attraction to him in the narration itself since it's so matter-of-fact and she kind of just lets life pass by. Sure, the relationship is cute and what have you, but it's empty. I'm still curious to see the drama between the queen and these two, but I can't say in good faith that I'm invested in their relationship at all, especially since I just know they'll be forcibly broken apart by the queen and then fight against all odds to be together or whatever because that's what stories do.
