May 01, 2025
what hotel room is there only one hotel at his town or what
ok concluding thoughts, basically the same as I've been saying (though I legit thought you were going for jess x leanna idk why) before. I still feel like characters underreact to huge revelations or just get huge information with 0 clues, so at some point it became hard to get invested in the main plot because it just feels like a series of coincidences and outrageous events that nobody cares about in-story. Like they saw an actual ghost and nobody thought of recording ot or something? How did Olivia even find that information? For that matter, how did they even figure out it was Erasmus? Major twists are resolved with such little fanfare or buildup that it almost seems I'm scrolling down a stranger's social media and trying to piece a story rather than following a plot, and it doesn't help that the events themselves are so out of nowhere. One chapter they randomly and conveniently guedd a name correctly by looking and a PHONE BOOK and the next they're on a kissing booth? And the next they're in a coffee shop? And the next there's a wedding? I get this was to set up the apparent love interest which... let's talk about him a bit.
Because he was introduced so late and in such a douchey way (imagine if she had not liked the kiss...) I thought he'd do something bad to her, but no, his extremely sus behavior was... genuine? It doesn't help that you actually seemed to skip the romance and just had them spontaneously be a couple after. If you hadn't shown a bit of his POV (when the story has been exclusively from Jess's POV but we ball) I would've thought he's a villain of sorts, bur apparently not...
While the series of events frankly not making sense are a very big gripe and significantly impact my enjoyment, this is also my only real problem. Like I said before, I really enjoy the dialogue and think it's not only natural but shows a lot of personality. I'd honestly say yours is one of the best I've read on this site. The characters tend to be affected by random events syndrome which twists them into doing whatever the "plot" needs them to, but are fine on their own, and I'm looking forward to seeing them develop.
Ryan and Jess though... Ryan was introduced very late, acted very strange and kind of creepy, and is apparently an unintentional red herring (?) but we'll see. Jess was the most affected and frankly has very little personality compared to everyone else in the past, Jason included. This is moreso a personal thing, but I liked the scenes hinting at dysphoria and dissociation a lot and thought wow, finally she's reacting to what's happening but they almost felt like afterthoughts. Even though the story is undeniably about Jess, she felt extremely passive from beginning to end, agreeing to whatever her friends told her to do and just kind of letting things happen to her. I do think her crying at the end was warranted with her conflict about losing who she was, but this was dampened by no one else seemingly caring at all. Also Leanna comforting her was so ??? when SHE WAS THE ONE WHO CAUSED THIS and yes, she apologized, but Jess saying 'it wasnt her fault' is just factually untrue and frankly makes her look like a huge pushover. It also doesn't help that Olivia basically did the research for her.
I'm looking forward to see who had that potion thing and why, but unfortunately with the way events unfold I'm not sure if the answer will be satisfactory. The whole "I always knew" thing with Jess's mother also feels like a red herring or general nonsense, but we'll see. Honestly I feel like you got the hard parts nailed down (character chemistry, dialogue, EARNED emotional beats) and just have to polish the plot itselt. A lot, granted, but it's better than a good plot with a bunch of cardboard as characters yk
now on to book 2 c:
yeah I think so too. I honestly don't think it's anything a second draft can't fix, especially when it comes to any underexplored elements you might want to dive deeper into, but I would also suggest maybe considering which beats might fit your story and which don't, or how to include them based on setups/payoffs rather than because the template says so. 
