Aug 13, 2024
So, again, when I started this story, the last thing I expected was to end up reading crossdressing SMT magical girl fanfiction. That alone would've been an automatic 10/10, but the neutral path is for cowards, so here's a review.
I had fun. Like, mad fun. It took a few chapters for the story to take off and I still feel like the beginning could use a bit more cleaning (though you rewrote already so meh, feel free to disregard). It took several chapters to be able to differentiate the characters because they sounded like Kabis talking to each other, and it got especially confusing when you'd call them by their nicknames due to the Kabi problem so I thought that Amai/Mai Nao/Sunao where different people until like 4-5 chapters in. Once the 'twist' happens, I'd say the story picks up. A lot.
After that happened, I just breezed through the chapters. The only reason why I couldn't binge in one go was because of IRL issues and me putting some time aside to write my own stuff. Also, I like 'rewarding' myself by reading stuff I like after writing so take that as you will. The plot isn't anything groundbreaking, but the way it was written was really engaging, with a great pace (after the beginning) and a distinct perspective that made it stand out for me. I'll admit the fight scenes were a bit hard to picture and felt like a 'blur' rather than something I could visualize, especially the final one (which I'll expand on later), but they never got stale or tiring to read. They were just there.
The ending twists were absolutely insane and I mean this in the best way. I was having fun with the story already, but that made it x1000 better ALTHOUGH I'll say a big part of it is because I'm a SMT fan so the similarities weren't lost on me. Still, while I joked about it, I don't think it's like... a bad thing. Also, I did NOT see Sora's final twist coming, but it was also complete insanity. Those are the kinds of things that make a story go from fun to memorable in my eyes. I've read a lot of stuff I'll remember fondly here, and this story is one of them. Why? Not only because it was well executed or because of the bonkers final chapters, but because it felt as though you had fun writing it, too. It's a great feeling to have as a reader.
anyway, time for the roast :D
I will say that my opinions on the characters unfortunately did not change. Sora was a strong main character from start to finish with a distinct voice, flawed but likeable, competent and fun to follow. The rest were kinda there. I'd say Mai stood out, but that's just because she's literly me. As the chapters went on I became very fond of the girls (lol) and was very interested in their plight, but aside from Sora, I don't feel like any of them had much to their arcs even though they were brimming with potential. The Mai and Nao subplot was pretty interesting, but when it came down to it, I feel like it was kind of glazed over. Saki was... a character. Better than Hana, at least. You mentioned Kagami is very threatening and evil or whatever, but I as a reader never really felt it. The final boss was extremely underwhelming, which might have contributed to the 'blur' feeling of the final battle. Reading through it was like going through the motions. Stories must have a climax, and this story has a villain, therefore it happened. There's a continuation so chances are that they might have arcs in the future, but in that case, why not plant some seeds for later? Saki especially feels like she needs SOMETHING to do other than being The Leader. Mai I thought was interesting because literly me uwu, but despite having the most 'life' breathed into her (if only because love interest, though I still like her with Nao more ngl) she ran into the same issue where her traits were brought up but kind of fell to the side in favor of jokes and the Plot. Nao had the s-s-stuttering thing going on (someone once roasted one of my storys by saying 'that's not how people s-s-stutter' and now I can't unsee it, either on my writing or anywhere else where they do it that way), but never blossomed outside of being the group nerd and mayyybe becoming more outspoken near the end which is the most generic arc for a shy character ever. As for Mai (literly me uwu) I would've liked to see more insight into the way she sees things so I could project more imeanwhat better understand her change from apathetic, as told, not shown, to proactive. I got it when she explained her reasoning, but the text has yet to back this up.
Still, while I think characters aside from Sora were the 'weakest' point, like I said, I'm very fond of them and looking forward to see more of their antics, so i wouldn't go as far as to say that it's "bad", but rather, that improving characterization might make this story go from good to something more, maybe. I really think there's a charm to your writing that makes it easy to read. I've liked a lot of stories here and would absolutely buy a physical copy if I could, this being one of them, but this one of the ones I've had the most fun with, and one of the most memorable. To me, at least, that's way better than a "very good" story with well-crafted individual elements, of which I've read plenty here, but which failed to give me that feeling of 'wow, this is amazing' this story consistently caused. Thank you for writing it. Truly.
tl;dr mid
