Oct 28, 2024
interesting start, but I'm confused about the POV. Is it first or third person? Present or past tense? You keep swapping between these. The onomatopeias are a stylistic choice I'm still getting used to, but they're neither good nor bad, just another device. However, often, you follow these up with sentence fragments, which makes them feel janky and kind of disjointed. Sometimes this happens mid dialogue too which is weird. I do think you have a distinct voice, and the characters presented so far have a personality from the get go (which is honestly more than I can say for many first time writers).
On a more 'technical' aspect I suppose, you often use lowercase after dialogue even when it doesn't end in a comma, which is incorrect. If a character finishes a sentence, then it's uppercase.
Example:
"Hi!" He exclaimed. vs "Hi!" he exclaimed.
Lastly, and I wasn't gonna mention this because it's 100% a nitpick, but they sure scream a lot. There's no need to say someone 'shouts loudly' since shouting is already... you know... loud. It did fit the chaotic atmosphere with the rain and whatnot, though.
