Aug 07, 2024
All right, would've binged this in one sitting but real life interfered >:P I had fun
Just as a disclaimer, I have a vague suspicion a lot of my "criticisms" might be a norm in the kind of story you wanted to write, so feel free to disregard. I'll talk about this the way I would a book at a store, because I do feel like it's something I could pick up somewhere.
What kept me hooked the most was the plot, which moved along very nicely while also giving breathing room for side stories. I feel like without the quiet moments it might've been a bit too fast, so this was definitely for the best. I never really felt like it dragged.
World building wise, it's aight. The goddess avatar aspect was pretty interesting, but as a whole, it feels like something I've read before, and the vague names to parallel real life counterparts didn't help ("regions" named after cardinal points, ruled by four elements in a way, 1:1 similarities to certain cultures, etc.) so I wasn't really "taken" by the world or anything. As in, I guess there's some people out there who reply "Africa" when you ask where they're from, but that's moreso because education systems are shit and only really teach us about certain regions. I thought it'd be something like that, but... no? They all seem to just vaguely allude to their region... continent (?) when asked where they come from. Might be a cultural thing in-universe, but it's still kind of off putting, I dunno.
One thing I was kind of relieved about was Leiyu not being some kind of god reincarnation or anything, just a smart guy and a fast learner. This is 100% me nitpicking but I'm sick and tired of stories about farmboys who end up becoming great not because of who they are, but because they're actually the forgotten son of a god king or smth. I kept waiting for the bomb to drop but it never did. GOOD.
My biggest "complaint" so to say isn't any of this, though, but the characters. Still, I'll just say that overall, I couldn't see any aspect of this story as 'bad' or even necessarily mediocre, so if I sound like I'm complaining too much, just know the baseline is 'good' and this is more of an 'in my opinion, you can improve this' than anything else. Anyway, characters... yeah, okay, let's start by the main two.
The reason why the plot kept me reading wasn't just because it was interesting, but because the characters couldn't. While their archetypes/tropes are things I like a lot (bodyguard x prince = read), I couldn't really find much to them as people. Sure, I can tell you their backstories, what they like and dislike, what their skills are, but what else? Leiyu is loyal and kind of reserved, but will absolutely stand up for what he believes in. Taillos is free spirit weighed down by his role, gentle but eloquent. Amara is, like 99% of fire-based characters, fiery and outspoken (small tangent: it was refreshing to see a character with fire powers who isn't 'fiery and outspoken' for once, but then Amara happened...). Leiyu and Taillos are nice. Amara less so. What else? They felt too distant for me to really care about them, which is strange since there were a lot of quiet moments and conversations after dark so to say, but often these were used not to expand the characters but to tell side stories or worldbuild. As a result, they seem less like real people and more like pawns to move the story forward. It's fine if it's meant to be plot-driven, I suppose, but yeah. I wasn't a fan.
Although, even thinking this, near the end I kept thinking 'where's Taillos though' 'did the story forget about him' so I suppose I did end up getting attached to him HAHA
Other characters in passing were fine and had, again, interesting concepts, but there wasn't much to them given their little screen time. I found Amara's rant near to the end to be very cathartic and well-deserved, but the payoff of that scene, and maybe the story as a whole, kind of felt dampened by what I'll discuss next.
The shtick with flashbacks was kind of weird to me. Not bad, I just don't see it often. Sometimes they worked well like Leiyu's backstory, or that of Taillos's parents, but sometimes they were pretty unnecessary because they'd just show something that we already knew, like Samarian talking about her hitman's fate... and right after she says what happened, there's a flashback paragraph showing what happened? Why do that twice? There were several moments like these and it was pretty strange. Not sure what the point was. Other instances were also a bit off-putting like the chapters between Xenon and Izel, but since the story seemed to be set that way I kind of got used to it after a while. While it seemed kind of pointless given what happens to them, it ended up being very sad BECAUSE of their possible demise. Still, I wonder if they'll show up again given the emphasis on Xenon specifically. Through flashbacks, ironically, he seems like more of a fleshed out character than the protagonists with what little screen time he had.
A prince with no regard for societal roles who outright tells a GODDESS 'hey ur cute marry me jk unless', whose spirit is then broken by loss and poor decisions, neglecting his land and son (which might have led to its demise, too, who knows) until he finds new life in the unlikeliest of people, thus trying to mend his mistakes, even if it was too late? He's the best. Taillos had a bit of that, but he grew increasingly subdued as the story went on for some reason, and then Amara seemed to perform a hostile takeover right until the end. I dunno.
Another tangent: Amara. I wasn't too keen on this when it first showed up, then grew used to it, but it bothered me again as her presence completely displaced Taillos. It did feel like Leiyu felt the same way, but near the end of the story it also felt like he had the most on screen "bonding" with her, yet barely seemed to react to what happened after and just kinda rolled with it. Did he see them as the same person? Because as far as I understood, they're two people with shared experienced. Ish? Going back to my character issue from earlier, I feel like elaborating on things like this would've given them a bit more life. They seem kind of nonchalant about not just this situation, but what's going on in general. Despite the speech about fate near the end, they just kind of seem to passively accept it except for the former goddess of fire, and like... well, look where she ended up. Also, it seems like they just forgot about avenging the kingdom, which could be because of their encounters with the goddesses and people and choosing to end the cycle of revenge, but feels like me speculating rather than text, or even a vague allusion to this. Besides, while Taillos gets to do an extended road trip with Leiyu, there's probably thousands of innocent civilians out there suffering as a result of this conflict. So is the cycle REALLY broken? It's book 1 out of 3 so it's possible that this may be addressed again, but it made me wonder.
Again, opening and ending events were pretty strong. I think you left off at the perfect moment, having seen them settle down without overstaying their welcome, and the 'inciting incident' so to say occurred once we were acquainted with the characters and setting. Structure-wise I think you're set, which imo is one of the hardest things to nail when it comes to online novels like these. It was easy and entertaining to read while also giving me food for thought, even if I feel like a lot of interesting elements not only world wise but thematically were barely skimmed on. I'm looking to see what else awaits these two, whether they'll meet minor characters again, what they'll do with their initial goal vs. the things they've learned, etc.
Thank you for sharing this story c: on to book 2
