Apr 16, 2025
I found the opening nice, but the format kind of works against the story later. i guess the [scene] things are meant to give this a more mangaesque feel, but even if we write manga-adjacent novels, they are still, you know, NOVELS. Also, I would suggest breaking down the paragraphs a bit more. It starts out fine, but as the chapter goes on they kind of get longer and more disheveled.
On a narrative level I do like the tone and narrative voice, but even as someone who is a fan of 'nothing happens for 30k words' it did feel like Takeshi just repeated himself multiple times in a row. Or maybe that's the point? I don't know.
midsune who