minatika

minatika

Avid reader and bird watcher that uses too many emojis in her comments 👍

Mostly Offline // Reading Only

My current writing projects are focused on publication so I can't post them online ❤️ If you like my work, please wish me luck as I try to become an author.

registered at: Jun 02, 2023
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    Finalist - MAL x Honeyfeed Writing Contest 2023










    Nov 20, 2023

    This is a cool little story! It’s always good to practice! :D

    Since you asked for feedback, my main response is that it feels like an outline so far. You have all the events here written out, but they’re a bit ‘grocery list’ at the moment. It's sort of like a director describing a fight scene moment-to-moment so that an animator can figure out the exact order of what’s happening. But because it’s such a detailed list, the actions feel stiff. It’s like I’m reading a textbook summary of a fight scene, rather than watching a cool battle play out in my head.

    But since this was just for practice, you are still in the outlining phase! 👍 So it means with editing, you can make this fight scene really outstanding.

    Some next steps to try: vary up the sentence structure, give some emotional impact to Nora’s injuries, and include more sensory descriptors. “Show, don’t tell” is very much the key here.

    One example: right now, as readers we’re told that a shockwave “burst Nora’s ear drums and ruptured her organs.” SHOW me how this impacts her! Show me how she struggles to deal with the pain, and what it feels like. How does Nora know her organs are rupturing? I can’t even begin to imagine this level of agony, it’s almost unspeakable! Really showing the living side to the fight through emotions and behaviors (instead of just actions alone) can change things -- and not just from Nora, but the dragon's reactions too! Things like that can give some more life and spice to the scene! :bee_thumbs: best of luck!!

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    1
    Dragon Waker
    Dragon Waker
    Chapter:2


    Nov 15, 2023

    To:Touya

    I had fun reading your story and it was definitely worth the time, so don’t worry! :D
    Also I hope you feel better soon!! Take care of yourself x) I had a pretty bad fever during the writing contest, and I *seriously* couldn’t reply to anything on HF because my headaches and muscle pain were so bad! So read the rest of this comment later when you’re feeling better!

    == Seriously don’t read past this line if you're still sick ==
    == get better first 😆 ==

    Alright, now for my reply!

    I think the contest rules (1500 word chapters, Romance required) may not have been the best fit for you in terms of your writing vision. I’m glad, however, that the contest inspired you to create your first real story!! Even though this story went on longer and ended up becoming something bigger than you were ready to handle, it’s still a great step to take as a writer.

    Planning to write something more relaxed next time, with opportunities to practice emotions, seems perfect! It sounds like you already know what you need to work on, and how you want to improve! :D

    Regarding your story makeover idea, since you mention wanting to post this story on other websites: then, yes, a little bit of editing might be worth your time!

    Maruko’s duel with the Prince felt like a very natural “First Novel Ending Point.” It was an awesome fight, a peak moment of action, and left us feeling resolved with the ideas that “Maruko and Hyouga will become friends” and “Maruko can use his wits to win his battles even without magic.”
    So I think making that your novel cut-off point for Book One would work very well 👍

    I believe the “Memory Chapters” with Maruko/Hanna and Marco/Edmund were well done in terms of writing. I liked how the two separate stories blended together, and how Maruko and Marco experienced similar emotional struggles, despite being in two very different situations.

    But the whole Memory section felt very serious compared to the rest of the novel. While it was probably some of your most experimental and well-executed prose, to me it seemed like something you might want to save for another (more serious/somber) project!

    I did mention in my comments that Maruko’s guilt didn’t feel proportionate to his childhood lie. This may have happened when you edited Maruko to be less hateful. I'm assuming Maruko's lie was something much worse before, and you changed that, but left his guilt/self-blame level the same, which is why it felt mismatched in the end.
    There are many small tweaks you could make to fix this, but I think the bigger question to ask yourself is:
    [What message am I trying to get across by making Maruko a liar?]
    Is it that liars deserve a second chance? Is it that well-intentioned lies (even lies made out of kindness) are a bad thing? A good thing? That living a lie is bad/good?

    Currently, from reading the story, it comes across like this:
    * Maruko’s story with Hanna: Lying is bad, even if you lie out of kindness. You should embrace who you are and be honest, or you will hurt the people around you.
    * Marco’s story with Edmund: Lying is perfectly fine and necessary to spare people’s feelings (pretending the violinist was real) and living a lie is needed to get what you want (becoming the greatest mage ever and honoring your dead brother.)
    * Smooth Tony: LYING IS THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING. Even if I was reprimanded for it, lying is what got us through the situation unharmed! :{D

    …Do you see the problem here? 🤣 Depending on what part of the story you read, you get a totally different message. So I think deciding on one clear message about lying, and then writing with that message as your goal, will help your story be more consistent.

    Okay, that is enough story feedback from me! Like I said, I think you know what you need to work on and where you would like to take your writing! So trust your instincts and take my feedback just as optional advice x) If my feedback helps, great! If it’s just confusing or hindering you, feel free to disregard 👍

    I’m glad I could read this through to the end! :D And glad you posted it here!! I’m currently trying my best to get a literary agent for my completed novels, but I'm mostly getting rejections right now x) the rejections aren’t super motivating for me in terms of writing, so I’m on a writing break at the moment. But jumping onto HF and knowing people like Love Sorceress helps remind me that my work is worthwhile! So thank you for the kind words!! ✨

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    0
    Polisophis: The Awakening of the Magic Assistant
    Chapter:47