Mario Nakano 64 / Comments

Mario Nakano 64

It's a me. I'm an aspiring light novel writer hoping to one day see my works in anime form. I hope that my works at least brighten up your day and give you something to look forward to.

registered at: Jun 30, 2023

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Apr 24, 2026

To:KyleDWilson

Don't forget the commas, oh wait, that's two months you'll have to go staring at that error. That being said, they tend to be lenient on those kinds of errors for contests.

Locked

Chapter:1

Apr 24, 2026

To:KyleDWilson

Totally get it. The monthly challenges were sort of my slop-testing grounds, as at times, I'd just write out dumb shit, barely bothering to check for grammar. Even some of the works I thought I did check for grammar on, there was grammar issues. Point is, there will always be grammar issues no matter how much effort you put into a work.

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Chapter:1

Apr 24, 2026

Yeah, "said" really is the only big problem as everything else I'm enjoying. I would also slightly modify the "Ask me about laying eggs again" line from Fiona, or rather, the dialogue tag after it. I'd replace "grumbled" with "snarled", "growled", or "glared", just to better convey her annoyance at Eric's jibe. I know it's a nitpick, but "grumbled" here I feel sells short Fiona's annoyance.

Locked

Chapter:2

Apr 24, 2026

Maybe go into editing mode and copy/paste from Honeyfeed to word. Word should be able to detect spacing problems and offer you the ability to fix them.

Sweetheart: The Remade Dog Girl and Her Loyal Boy

Chapter:2

Apr 24, 2026

Desktop, but I also pulled up my phone to check it on mobile. Same formatting there.

Sweetheart: The Remade Dog Girl and Her Loyal Boy

Chapter:2

Apr 24, 2026

To:KyleDWilson

Glad to hear that. I imagine that means there's a fair chance many of the things I'll point out here will have already been rectified in future writings. But hey, sometimes it's fun to go back to an old work and see how far your writing's come from it.

Locked

Chapter:1

Apr 24, 2026

To:KyleDWilson

That's weird. And you can't see it from your end? For me, the words look like, "They are spaced out too far". And even then, word is not the type of program to allow stuff like that, unless you're using wordpad. That doesn't detect an errors, spelling or grammar, whatsoever.

Sweetheart: The Remade Dog Girl and Her Loyal Boy

Chapter:2

Apr 24, 2026

Decided to check out one of your other works, mainly due to trying to investigate the formatting issue on your other story. And I'm happy to say, the formatting's all good here. One thing I will recommend is that you reduce the quantity of the word, "said" when it comes to dialogue tags. Try going for more variety like "pouted", "scoffed", etc. Hope that helps.

Locked

Chapter:1

Apr 24, 2026

To:KyleDWilson

I've never seen this issue before. What do you usually use to write these in, and how do you normally transfer it here? For example, do you ctrl+v, or right click and select "paste"? The former tends to lead to more formatting issues.

Sweetheart: The Remade Dog Girl and Her Loyal Boy

Chapter:2

Apr 24, 2026

This one felt a bit rough. Then again, the main culprit might be the double-spacing as I'm not kidding when I say it's really disorienting and immersion-breaking.

Sweetheart: The Remade Dog Girl and Her Loyal Boy

Chapter:3

Apr 24, 2026

To:KyleDWilson

Start from the first line on. It's noticeable right at the start that the words are all double-spaced from each other.

Sweetheart: The Remade Dog Girl and Her Loyal Boy

Chapter:2

Apr 24, 2026

To:KyleDWilson

In that case, I admire your resolve. I'll try my best to offer pointers for improvement should I see it in order to help you polish your skills.

Sweetheart: The Remade Dog Girl and Her Loyal Boy

Chapter:1

Apr 24, 2026

There's some spacing issues with the words. Looking back at the last chapter, the issue was there too. I don't know how it came to be, unless you're deliberately double-spacing between the words. That's really something you need to fix, as it's very disorienting to read otherwise.

Sweetheart: The Remade Dog Girl and Her Loyal Boy

Chapter:2

Apr 24, 2026

That was a pretty sad and brutal way for the MCs to go. I do share fallere_chan's sentiment that maybe you should save this idea for something else. It feels like it'll be more geared towards isekai success, but we'll see how it plays out.

Sweetheart: The Remade Dog Girl and Her Loyal Boy

Chapter:1

Apr 24, 2026

Author's Commentary #8:

Time to talk about Chapter 8: Humiliating the Danish.
The Chess Olympics are kicking off in style, and what better way to do it with a Bongcloud. This game was a lot more fun to write than I initially thought, in fact, all the original 1st round games were.

In the early planning stages of this arc, I hadn't really thought up the match results much beyond the fact that Japan would beat Denmark despite Ginji not winning his game. As such, this first round of the men's side only saw a focus on Okisato's game in the original.

The checkmate is what truly made me go with the game as an opening act to the Chess Olympics as it is a really nasty mate.

Here in the volume, since the Japan-Denmark match was the only one that didn't have all its games shown, I decided to remedy that here. Wakuta's game was from a cut chapter, Skaberghast's was an easy draw, Sommer though was a bit forced. With him, I wanted something quick, but also wanted him to play the Danish Gambit, since he's Danish. As such, he became a complete sub-2000 idiot for this game.

And now men's 1st round match has finally been shown in full. While Denmark was dispatched rather easily, the women's team will have a much harder time against France.

That's all for this commentary. I hope you enjoyed it.

En Passant Grandmaster Volume 6

Chapter:8

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