Jul 23, 2021
Hiho!
I must say that, after the masterfully crafted powerhouse of the first chapter, I jumped into the second chapter with a certain level of expectation. And it's with a heavy heart I say that these expectations have been left hanging, desperately wanting more.
I should note that, as you did with me, there are personal tastes involved, so take whatever I say with a grain of salt.
For one, the characters are astounding. The way they act is extremely natural, the dialogue exquisitely believable and passionate, which is where I feel like most of the effort went...disproportionately so. And in spite of this tremendous effort and the absolutely undoubted perfect amount of personality seeping through every line, there is something that doesn't click. Intentional or not, lack of tags makes certain parts confusing. The 'fake fight' I needed some time to process, for one. And another unwanted consequence is the rather monotonous tone of everything. It's one to leave the words dictate the intonation, but when it's without any scenic movement and vocal cue, it makes it rather stale. Certainly, the aftermaths are splendid, the 'suppressed squeal' among other much welcome explanations were extraordinary. But the rest, wasn't. A few gems don't make a crown shine.
As for the narration, lacking, unfortunately. There is a certain tempo to everything, and this feels slightly off beat by a half note. Everything feels rushed, not in a good way, mind you. A scanning gaze that lingers too little and tells a story in pictures, not in motions. Iceberg theory aside, it feels like everything is matte, even the details meant to pop simply not being there. We are in a bar like any other, seeing people like any other, there is no personality. This chapter lacks the gripping tone of the first one, a matte afterimage, alas. I wish I could at least get anything that would've put me next to Kai's stool. It might be worth sprinkling in some detail, even if it goes against your aesthetic (which I know nothing of, so I won't even attempt.) Maybe a telltale squeak of the chair, or a lingering scent on the counter.
As for the style, the last of my points, all I can ask is 'ubi sunt.' There is a jaggedness in what was usually a smooth flow. It started when she sat down and looked around, then continued when she started looking around again. There was a crack in it, as if the camera jumped. And the inner monologue lacks the 'je ne sais quoi' I expected from Kai. The charisma, the quick wit of her descriptions feels washed away, sundried and it was the first thing I loved about the story. For potential fixes, I suppose that a way I can envision it is to up the biting satire in her nihilism. From the get-go, it felt like her view of the world was stained by a deep-seated loathing of people, misanthropy really. And I see it here being played down, when I hoped I'd see it higher up.
That is not to say the chapter is bad, au contraire. I do believe in it having a quaint charm, adding a pedestrian episode to an otherwise grim, dimly lit fantasy plot. But with the details squeaking at the hinges, it's rather hard to believe that the same door opened for me when I started this novel.
That's all.
Bubbles, out ;3
