Jul 31, 2021
Hiho.
I could go in great depth praising the artistic direction you have followed here. The vivid backdrop being painted with minute glides of the wordy handbrush and the brimming emotion gently infused into every single bit of scenery. It is descriptive, overtly so, but it doesn't detract at all. For me, at least, for the webnovel reader I couldn't care less. It is apt and portrays a vivid picture of a murky castle set in the dead of night, with an atmosphere to match. And I believe it is this tone that might carry this story forward the best, were it not for the worldbuilding and the heart of the characters gathered by the hearth.
But with this shallow praise out of the way, we have to dissect some issues, pressing or not it is not up to me.
For one, the information that is being presented, whilst mostly in easy to stomach bits, carries a veil of improbable motivation. It is a rather unfortunate trope of high fantasy to have characters break into a wistful reflection of bygone times when a wish long thought impossible is unfulfilled. And Marea shows the exact same propensity towards recollection. Harmfully so. Because it doesn't take a lot to ask why a husband she's known for upwards of five years, needs to be made privy to something that is so fundamentally congruent with her joie de vivre. Reminiscing is acceptable, natural, but there is a level of depth that needn't be crossed, one that separates the plot-oriented reason and the character-oriented reason of the exposition. There is a great pause between Marea's greeting of her husband and her seemingly realising that, indeed, her husband is home, and that she is, indeed, his wife before or after she is the Lady of Silverscale. And were it lessened and tempered, that expositional break, very entertaining as it was, might've been splendid. But prolonged as it is, it is much too wide.
Minute issues exists at the level of style. Be them run-on sentences or certain redundancies that further clutter an otherwise masterfully packed description, they are rare, but worth looking into. And with this tiny interlude aside, I will address the other dragon in the throneroom.
Limited third person is not meant to be subjective. Merely, it's a chosen limitation, narrating together with the character but separated from them. As such, the narrative tone shouldn't change as the heads jump. And whether by design, by fatigue or by accident, this has happened as soon as Silverscale has begun to fall. We change from accompanying Alaine to accompanying his son, Blake, but the narration, once a spectacle of verbosity, dulls out. And that is fundamentally jarring and an immersion break. As genuine as you might've wanted to make it, the eyes of a child aren't what this perspective demands. And whilst peering into it can warrant the narrator to borrow certain marks of the character into their speech (not subjective, mind you), the switch is much too noticeable and sudden to be enjoyable. At least, that is how I view it. For all I know there might be some hidden stylistic imperative that I might not be aware of and that you are following with vehemence. And if that were the case, whilst I still stand by my points, I do apologise.
As for the length and hook factor of the prologue, it gets a begrudging pass. Whilst the very first sentence and paragraph do a serviceable job, they are unfortunately lackluster in the midst of other fantasy I've come to know. The length is much too grand and the focus is twofold, which makes it hard for me to figure whether I should be invested in the worldbuilding or the character that is supposedly going to start it all. If anything, either half could be split, preferably the latter, and then reiterated later in the plot to a greater effect. The mystery of not knowing either the reason or the cause of story would have, in my opinion, a much better grip on the reader's attention. Then again, I am unaware of webnovels, so I might be wrong.
One thing much worth of praising is the attention to character which is placed into this piece. Lady Marea is truly a sight for sore eyes, a glimmer of life in an otherwise grim, lugubrious environment. And her personality has a sheen to it that makes it all the more realistic, marred by a veil of sadness as it is. And whilst the rest are not as equally explored as she is, for reasons I might not be able to comprehend, I can say with great certainty that she, alone, is enough to entice me. Congratulations are in order, then.
I would suggest a minor brush over this prologue before the time is nigh. Smooth out the scales a bit. And with that, I believe I've spoken enough. Very nice, sad to see it underrated.
Bubbles, out.
