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Bubbles

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I'm Bubbles.

Currently on hiatus.

registered at: Aug 13, 2020

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aaa

Jul 11, 2021

What a lovely chapter :3

Whilst not my personal cup of tea, YA and all, I can't help but be enamoured by the sentence structure. It feels very personal, close to me, my head and the character's really becoming one. Few authors on this platform managed to write a piece that captivates me to such an extent, so my sincere congratulations ;3

Alas, not a work is without its flaws, but luckily there were few to speak of here. Whilst the inner monologue provides a solid understanding of the novel's theme, it feels static. There is little atmosphere around him, the noises barely represented. A little more description, preferably one that would jot down opinions about the environment, would benefit your story.

Apart from that, I really don't have much else to say. *Very good work for someone so young :3*

That's it.

Bubbles, out :3

Accepted

Chapter:0

Jul 11, 2021

Hiho.

I really dug this chapter. It was a severe improvement from the other novel I've read from you, which bodes very well for this particular bit of feedback.

I enjoyed the atmosphere of this prologue, however I can't say it was fully explored. The rather mundane inner monologue of the protagonist left more to be desired, his terror and helplessness not coming across as strongly as it should've. For a man that's broken in front of the army of the Demon Lord he seems oddly calm, able to reminisce about his mistakes and such. His thoughts are also surprisingly coherent.

There is a lack of scenery in this dark room. In a tense situation like this, even the darkness must speak, however. It should come across as gnawing, biting, clawing at you. Instead we get nothing but eyes staring at us. The lack of detail and stylistic language leaves imagination to do a lot of the work. But with no glaring examples of strength in the setting, I can only say that this darkness is rather dull.

It is important to attract all the senses in a scenario that yells grit, and I can safely say that all my senses were left in check. Apart from a high pitch ringing, I couldn't hear any moans, any sorry crawling on the ground, anything diegetic. There was no smell, be it of blood or defeat. I couldn't feel the sensation of the rough stone on his skin. Nor the taste of ichor and bile bubbling in a wounded man's mouth.

And alas, with no weight to the situation, the switcheroo at the end comes across as a slight turn on a bumpy road, not the tumultuous U-turn you'd want it to be. And the same goes for the phrase at the end. I would suggest a much smoother transition, where the descent into salvation is gradual, not a steep drop. Whilst not necessarily less steep, a fading transition would work better than a simple jumpcut to light.

Regardless, it was a clear improvement. Your narrative style has greatly enhanced and I could see the tremendous effort you've put into evolving this. And so, my feedback had to evolve to more advanced, if not nitpicky things. Lovely, lovely read.

That's it.

Bubbles, out :3

The Swordmaster and the New God

Chapter:0

Jul 11, 2021

Hi muffin :3

So, I like the very brisk pacing of the narration. It portrays the tense and urgent tone of the events very well, you can very easily get into the character's shoes and follow the route they're running on. Very good :3

You are alternating a lot between past and present. Bear in mind that you have to stick with one, otherwise the flow is really broken. I would recommend doing past tense, it works much better than present in most cases and it creates a very 'story-like' feeling, since actions are being described *after* not *before* they happened.

When you're describing actions, it's best to think in very simple motions. You don't have to show and tell everything about wind-ups, because it clutters the writing unnecessarily. For example, when Ophelia jumps over the wall, you can have the two sentences condensed. Dynamism is offered by brisk movements, prolonging them makes them appear much more telegraphed and static frames.

Also, it's best to understand what your narrative voice can and can't do. A third person omniscient isn't really allowed to comment on the characters as if they weren't exterior. They can peer into their minds and report what they're thinking. For example, when you said 'She must get there in time, or else [...]' you should've said 'she knew she had to get there in time [...]' This makes the narrator an observer to her thought, not an active participant.

Lastly, try to temper your clauses. It's overwhelming when you have a lot of coordinate clauses (linked by 'and'), i.e.: She did that and then that and then the other thing. Keep them organised and simple. The fewer actions happening at the same time, the better :3

*pats*

Bubbles, out :3

Words... And Stuff

Chapter:1

Jul 09, 2021

Hiho!

This is such a unique and heartwarming story that I couldn't help but smile all the way through reading it :3 The concept is cutesy and adorable and it sounds like such a fun thing to write, let alone how fun it was to read.

The narrative voice is something that I particularly enjoyed, but I felt it wasn't properly explored. It was quirky, like an old woman telling a tale from days long past by the fireplace. The second-guessing, the overexplaining, they played so well in the beginning and I feel like this is something you should definitely focus on more. It would give this story a more whimsical feeling, especially when goaded by a setting featuring 'wisteria.'

The beginning was a little too exposition-heavy. I would recommend a bit of tweaking, allowing for this fairy-tale like story to immerse the reader a little more. You could focus on the road a little, descriptive metaphors painting a journey from the mundane city towards the delightful escape of a witch-cafe set at the crossroads. I feel like a more atmospheric beginning with a bit of a quainter wording would do this beauty a bit more justice. Try to abstain from the exposition, unless you can find a way for the narrator to excuse themselves from divulging it (without making this plot device feel repetitive.)

The two characters have such a nice dynamic, two siamese best friends, never one without the other. I love how their personalities are equal parts complementary and similar, making them each stand out within their own right. Their voices are a bit too close at times, so make sure to define at least a different dominant for each of them. It'd help the reader differentiate a lot better between the two as well as offer a modicum of depth (unneeded, but helpful nonetheless :3)

Lastly, and take this with a huge grain of salt, this is a witch cafe...I expected the first event to be a little bit more...zany? Lackadaisical? It feels like such a mundane beginning for a premise that is so offering. I would've loved to see the clumsy witch owner inadvertently send them on a dubious adventure, something wacky and exciting to kickstart their interest in joining her franchise. I wanted a brew of bubblegum tea, but I received something a bit too vanilla for my taste. Nevertheless, I would say that it's something I'd definitely like to dive into a bit more :3

That's it.

Bubbles, out :3

Witch Cafe Wisteria

Chapter:0

Jul 09, 2021

I see that this chapter has been split from the prologue and whilst it benefitted it, I would be remiss not to list additional qualms.

It is important to realise that a character doesn't only speak, but there is also a certain tone of voice and a movement associated to it. And whilst not entirely lacking, I must say that there are several instances where a speech or action tag would've been beneficial. For the first half of the chapter, it feels like Noah and the android are idling a lot, both of them displaying their personality solely through verbal communication. However, non-verbal (gestures, expressions) and para-verbal (intonation, tone of voice, emotionality) are more often than not left to dust. As such, stereotypical defaults are applied and I believe that detracts from the individuality you love to portray in your characters. Keep this in mind.

I have found a couple of expressions that feel a little off. Whilst a lot of the writing shines in its brevity, some of it goes the other way. I would give a read to find those such as 'green like leaves falling from the trees of the summer season', that go an extra mile for no good reason.

The dialogues were greatly enhanced. As described above, the characters personalities are very obvious through what they say and this goes a long way. Indirect characterisation is on point, kudos :3 If I were to subtract anything from the dialogue, however, it would be some things being a little bit unnatural. Whether it be by asking too many questions, volunteering too much information or starting to feel like a moving wikipedia more than a human, at some point a balance must be struck.

A suggestion would be to have some of the exposition be shown, absorbed through events rather than dialogue. Whilst some should definitely be kept, allowing it to be passively learnt would greatly reduce the load on the spoken bits and air the story a bit.

For the most part, however, the changes have improved the quality of the chapter. I liked the dynamic between our two protagonists here, their interactions reminding a lot of a certain RWBY duo. If anything is to be taken away is that these are rather minute issues, and nowhere near as serious as I (unintentionally mistakenly) make them out to be.

Plus, you get a hug react from me :3

That's it.

Bubbles, out :3

REALM ASSASSIN

Chapter:1

Jul 09, 2021

Hiho!

I must say it's quite a long time since I've read a suicide scene and this one is truly something...something.

Your chapter starts strong with a very reflective, mise-en-abyme type of incipit, but afterwards it fails to deliver on that gnawing feeling afterwards.

Passages of routine are mingled with meditations on life's meaning, all coming from the eyes of a teenager that's supposed to be slightly removed from this sphere. The note comes off so suddenly and with little to no indication. It would've worked if it were the first thing the reader saw, but it isn't, so it's shaky.

The writing style is all over the place, very brief descriptions put side by side with very verbose bits of inner monologue that describe turmoil and toiling. And at some point, I can't shrug the feeling of the narrator simply explaining things to the reader, whereas they are supposed to tell us the story, to narrate. He also seems to be quite a fine connoisseur of human psychology, able to peer into people's heads and describe them with an accuracy I'm quite envious of.

I will give credit where credit is due. There is a clear attempt at using elaborate language and meditation, and it works well for the most part. The beginning paints a beautiful picture of self-doubt and there are certain phrases that ring quite deep. The inner monologue of the protagonist has a beautiful cadence to it at times and his words flow well, when he doesn't stop to describe how gravity works.

It was a very valiant attempt and an emotional tour de force, but I felt like the devastation felt flat. Described only through words like 'traumatised' and 'shocked' doesn't do it justice. It would be so much better to allow the reader a glimpse inside the protagonist's head, his stream of consciousness. Play with perspective, with visual and auditory stimuli to create a harrowing experience that truly encompasses the trauma of suicide. Rely on images that are painted, not simply said by words.

That is all.

Bubbles, out :3

Along The Way

Chapter:1

Jul 08, 2021

A splendid opening chapter, bravo!

I appreciate the straying away from the simple, rather undescriptive style of LNs with something that has plenty of them. It's a tour de force, a true spectacle of the senses and eyes. I must say, however, at times you get a bit carried away, and the details start to sound echo-y, as if the same things get repeated a lot but annoyingly so. Around the mid-part of the initial 'resolution' you can see that.

The premise is also nice, an isekai reversal (not a reverse isekai), wherein the hero shows a disconnect from a world he used to inhabit. It's very well-portrayed, particularly by showing the mannerisms he inadvertently inherited from years of doing things a specific way. I think this should be a very important plot point of this story and focusing on it could go a long way.

One caveat I would list is how the writing becomes rather unclear at times. It's ornate, decorated with frills that one can't help but savour, but it sacrifices a good deal of clarity through reverberations of the environment and the confusing transitions. I would pay particular attention around dialogues, beginning and ending of a speech-heavy scene, because the remarks that make it apparent who is speaking are a bit confusing. (I had thought that both character were speaking when Hope was the only one monologuing)

Overall, a solid beginning that shows off the beginning of a troubled soul having to relearn old habits. An interesting journey that I await a conflict for. Kudos, dear sir, and I'll see you around :3

Bubbles, out :3

The Hero Who Returned Remains Traumatized in the Modern World

Chapter:0

Jul 07, 2021

'tis a fine continuation that finally adds an explanation to the title and a reason to the zaniness of it all.

The story is filled with the humour I've come to expect from you and it never fails to deliver on the weirdest, yet still enjoyable scenarios I could never comprehend. The death scene, in particular, rings so true, yet still captures the ridiculousness of swatting, so kudos on that :3

A particular caveat is the rather lengthy exposition at the beginning. His NEET status could've been condensed a bit more, since some of it felt a tad dragged out. But, I guess it just made his death all the more pathetic.

That is all.

Bubs, out :3

Why Kill? When Witches Can Be Tentacled!

Chapter:2

Jul 07, 2021

'tis been quite a nice beginning, the misty surrounding and lugubrious atmosphere providing an adequate beginning for this story. The fighting is intriguing and captivating, the vision being (quite ironically) clear of this misty fight.

The lack of proper formatting notwithstanding, I'd say a qualm I have is with the rather monotonous inner monologue. It feels like the character's thoughts are very basic, unenthused and impersonal, as if she isn't really feeling anything whilst she's fighting. No dread, no regret, just like a shell. If that's what you were going for, kudos, you've done it. Otherwise, it might be worth looking into it.

That's it.

Bubbles, out :3

Six

Chapter:0

Jul 07, 2021

Aww, a cat (cafe) academy. That must be such a wonderful place to study at. I enjoyed the mystery of it all, particularly with the cat-eared person just coming in to snatch the girl and do God knows what with her. (I'm thinking/hoping she becomes a cat person too)

There were some rather clumsy things here and there, particularly at the beginning, the flash-forward being a little out of place (since it is rehashed later in the story) and the exposition about the familial situation of Hikari, but nothing too severe to warrant a rewrite.

I'd have loved if the MC was a little bit more developed, so far she seems to be a little stale. We have a first person narration, but apart from her love for cats, nothing else shines through. Try making her a bit more vocal in her inner monologue, lest it feels like third person narration with first person pronouns.

That's it.
Bubbles, out :3

Cat's Hour [UNDER REVISIONS]

Chapter:1

Jul 06, 2021

Welp, it was about time I got to reading this :3

Couple of opinions: I like Aurora (of course I do, she's based on my favourite person from the community) and she has an interesting personality. If I could jot her down in a broad stroke that'd be 'Bubbly Han Solo.' However, apart from a couple of interactions at the beginning that showcased her, the rest of it feels like she's just going through the motions. Rather soullessly. Something to keep in mind.

The pacing is adequate, captivating even. I have liked the dynamism conferred by the interactions between Aurora and the control tower/bridge what have you. The sense of urgency, however, it felt a little in and out of there. The carelessness of Aurora's reaction kind of fell flat when the only indication of necessity we have is from one adverb describing the commander's speech.

As for the worldbuilding, it's enormous and properly showcased, bits and pieces sticking out here and there, but nothing too drastic to require overhauls. It's a nice balance you've struck, compared to previous works, so bravo (I'd use italics if I could).

Lastly, the plot, albeit not explored, is a good cliffhanger, WN-style. We are left with sufficiently many questions that we want to keep reading and enough clarity to read out of enjoyment, not spiteful want of understanding. So, overall, I suppose all I have to say is...

Good job :3

Bubbles, out :3

Lost Paradise

Chapter:1

Jul 05, 2021

I loved this :3

It gives a very Konosuba-esque vibe just because of how ridiculous Snazzy-chan is and how quirky everything is from the narrative style to the sheer absurdity of it all. I hope this continues to be as comedic and light-hearted as this first chapter :3

Why Kill? When Witches Can Be Tentacled!

Chapter:1

Jul 05, 2021

This is a rather interesting concept, unfortunately struggling from the approach taken. The air is of mystery, however we are slapped with unknown after unknown and it really detracts from the atmosphere we're supposed to feel.

The descriptions are lacking, the dullness described unfortunately seeping into the word choice. The characters are rather one-note, simply heads we're made aware of before their lines are uttered to no end.

I have to say that I loved Emma, though, she felt like the only one to have a sense of personality, her sarcasm and awkward jokes ringing very close to my heart. I'd advise you to use her a lot, she's by far the best of the bunch.

Bubbles, out :3

A School Christmas Story

Chapter:1

Jul 05, 2021

The atmosphere is gnawing from the start, but it's unfortunately the only thing going for the story. I felt a little confused when reading it, partly because information is tossed at the reader without much of a time to digest, before the next bit is tossed in.

The tonal shifts that happen here and there took me out of the ominous feel and the transition in the middle felt very sudden. Overall, I think this could be a lot more streamlined with a bit more length and attention to the stylistic constraints such a heavy plot imposes.

Bubbles, out :3

Zero.

Chapter:1

Jul 05, 2021

With a cover like this, I was expecting epic fights from the get-go and I must say I got what I bargained for. I particularly enjoyed the way the fights played out, although having been described a little summary and lackluster at times. But that didn't matter, the pacing was adequate and kept me enthralled for the entire read.

The dialogue, however, falls a little bit short. Noah's is primarily used for exposition and it comes across as very unnatural. For the most part, he is literally just explaining the world to someone he seems to just have met. Try to make him a little less of a plot-device in the future.

Bubbles, out :3

REALM ASSASSIN

Chapter:0

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aaa