Jul 21, 2025
This is pretty cute, but note a couple of things:
1) Whilst Olga sounds like a nice girl with a lot of anxieties and self-doubt on the forefront of her mind, she is not exactly anything 'special'. She has nothing to hook the reader or make her into a protagonist – which would've been fine, were it for her inner monologue (yes, I know you're writing in 3rd person) being a little more on the quirky side. Instead she simply goes through the motions of life in as ordinary a manner as everyone. Only the cause of death is something novel, but that's only one small thing.
2) The transformation and 'power-up' scene is interesting. The whole people lining up feels very formal and solemn, with Olga's account of things kind of dialling back that impression. However, it's too quick and over before we know it. We don't know why Olga was selected, and with my point before, it feels like it all happens because it has to happen.