Apr 26, 2022
Hiho,
First of all, some props. I think the way you do dialogue has that certain quality where you don't really need to write tags alongside it so that the reader understands who is speaking at any given time. It's great when you manage to context-clue your way into an exchange, however, it's important to note that round the time the dialogue starts drawing out (and there's more than two speakers) it becomes easy to miss. So it might be worth considering breaking long exchanges up so that it's only one on ones between any given narration block.
A specific thing I want to point out is that, despite the perspective being in first person, we barely get to glimpse anything of the narrator's feelings, state of mind and the like. For the most part I'm just riding along someone who's silently explaining to me what they see and it's simply dull. They only watch, but their opinions are limited to very basic 'surprises'. To me, the beauty of first person is t hat we get to peer into the mind of a character and read what happens alongside what they think of it. Naturally, you don't need to always ramble about their thoughts, but little marks of subjectivity within your writing could go a long way. Could be anything from more 'colourful' language to breaking up streaks of narration with some reflections. Your call. :)
Also, the way you narrate is extremely specific. I'm gonna go on a limb and say that the way you write is envisioning an image/panel in your head and then trying your best to convey it to someone who'd have to draw it from your explanations. But stories aren't meant to be explanations. They're meant to flow and extremely technical and methodical narration doesn't really reach that. Some gestures needn't be described; some expressions needn't be highlighted, drawn attention towards or restated for 'effect'. In the end it just boils down to listing the essentials and then moving the story forward. When you pause for descriptions or to explain, you shouldn't try to go for 'precision', more so for 'concision.' Too precise a picture will encumber the reader and make a story dull.
Keep at it and I'm sure you'll find your mettle. I'd suggest you check out some novels on the website if you feel like you don't have any model to follow. Sequence of Kai, UnCrowned and Gifted Education Project are some good ways to start.
Have fun,
Bubbles. :3
