Bubbles

Bubbles

I'm Bubbles.

Currently on hiatus.

registered at: Aug 13, 2020
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    Participant - MAL x Honeyfeed Writing Contest 2021
    Finalist - MAL x Honeyfeed Writing Contest 2022
    Participant - MAL x Honeyfeed Writing Contest 2023


    Oct 01, 2021

    Aight, nice.

    There was an erm... bit during the chase scene that instantly took me out of the immersion, but I assume it was just my fault for no having a stomach for humour. The 'like holding in a shit bit' ruined the atmosphere for a bit. Thought I'd let you know.

    Some suspension of disbelief moments, not sure what the Rippers are riding, but I'm pretty certain they're described as motorcycles, so I'm not sure what nitrous their van has equipped, but goddamn, it's speedy. As for Priscilla, not sure what she's drunk, but I drank at 14 and I didn't go retch it out instantly. I guess she's just more of a lightweight.

    I think znf captured my feelings so far pretty well, so I'mma just be an echo. I'mma go eat now, not that you would've realised it without me saying it.

    As a note, the actiony bits have started to tread the needle of clarity for some time now. As much as I'm trying, it's kind of hard for me to glean the exact coordinates of everything, so it kind of plays out in a very Archie Comics fashion in my head, which is, unfortunately, not a compliment. I guess I'm not one used to the more quick and panelled action style you are going for, so take it with a wheelbarrow of salt, for it's only my deal here.

    For some preliminary overall feedback, 'tis some pretty good shit. I like it. Bingeable, if anything, though there are some things I might either be too dumb to notice or that simply don't resonate with me and myself. Regardless, solid story so far. Hopefully it lives up to its renown and expectation till the end.

    Bubbles, out.

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    1
    UnCrowned New Cover
    UnCrowned
    Chapter:7

    Oct 01, 2021

    Interesting, interesting.

    Whilst I'm not a particular fan of asynchronous and anachronic narratives, I can't help but relate to the meditative nature of some of the episodes pointed here. The chapter titles mingling in the narration are also a nice touch, albeit a bit cheesy at times. Penny for your thoughts, I guess.

    The overarching narrative is starting to wear a bit thin on me. For what it's worth, I'm assuming it's only been a day so far. Night 1 being chapter 1 and everything so far being night 2. However, there seems to be an interesting amount of forethought put into what seem to be otherwise spontaneous actions. The lieutenant despatching, the kidnapping factoring in as a lure, the underhanded deals all around, Mr Marinton (I hope I remembered his name right) coming in just now. One has to wonder how communicative these gangs can be in 24 hours.

    Anyhow, the ending was brilliant. I loved the outcome being an ultimate dice roll seen offscreen. One has to wonder about the legitimacy of the cointoss. If anything, this seems too easy, but we'll never know whether it was happenstance or Quill realising his best interest here. Lev's change of heart comes a bit abruptly and strangely to me. I've read through their conversation a couple of times to make sure, but all I can imagine is that he somehow relates to her being a child of circumstance, ultimately not to blame for her actions. And when the actions relate to her old man and the pang of guilt he feels when he thinks of the resemblances between him and Mr Marinton, it comes to no surprise. The issue I take is with this change of heart as it relates to his initial resolve. I'm guessing he wasn't so resigned to his duty to overlook his uncertain morals. I'd be happier if I received an explanation, though, whether here or in private, depends on you. Whatever you think won't ruin any surprise come midnight.

    Bubbles, out.

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    1
    UnCrowned New Cover
    UnCrowned
    Chapter:6


    Oct 01, 2021

    Sup. Very nice.

    I like how ironic Pierce's speech about drugs is. If anything, it's rooted in the actual science of how drug decriminalization works. You don't eliminate it, you just regulate it, so that no one goes hungry, no one goes addicted and no one goes berserk. Alas, when you sprinkle a bit of money and mob bossness in, you can't ensure the latter.

    I feel like the panic in Pierce's voice is a bit unexplored, if cheap. Assuming the narrator isn't omniscient, I would assume even watching it from Lev's perspective would lend the explanation to the reader. Having it just come out of nowhere at the end with no apparent trigger, makes it, to me, appear unjustified. I (personally) would've believed in it if when Pierce threw his final quip, Lev would've stopped and then continued upstairs, unimpeded. I would've seen it as Pierce realising his fate and Lev cementing it, thereby causing the fear and apprehension at what would follow.

    Some technical stuff as an intermission, if you want to have a character speak over multiple paragraphs, it should be like this:
    'Dialogue 1
    'Dialogue 2
    'Final dialogue'.

    This happens somewhere in the middle of Pierce's speech. Assuming he speaks all lines, his first paragraph should've had no quotation marks.

    The transition was stronger this time, I'll give you that. The implication is pretty cool in regards to that bounty. Whether it's true or not, I shall see. I like the dichotomy of Quinn's position and his rather bedraggled and unassuming appearance, as well as the confidence and conniving nature that his Crown's namesake lends him. It was a pretty smart thing, you get a headpat.

    I've got some other thoughts pertaining to this latter half, but I'll wait and see what happens in the next chapter before deciding whether or not they're worth addressing or not.

    Bubbles, out.

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    1
    UnCrowned New Cover
    UnCrowned
    Chapter:4

    Oct 01, 2021

    Aight, so it begins. The binge.

    For the most part I'll try not to repeat myself, hence this is why this will be the first and last I'll evoke this. We had a fight in the first, a fight in the second and a fight in the third. I fear like this will go the same way as another novel that shall remain nameless from SS. After a while the gung-ho wears thin on me, personal preference or not. The fighting, whilst moderately entertaining, I'll just tune out until it reaches a point where it sort of tells me something other than pew-pew, metal go brr.

    There were instances of that here, most notably, the most enjoyable of them, where we find out how meticulous in planning and cunning Lev is, using some form of chemtech flare that's hot enough to melt metal at once, but apparently erupts from something so fundamentally heatproof that his hand is intact. I also enjoyed the moments of lucidity that Lev had during the fight, the short-lived realisations about the fight's status (the blows weren't enough, he would need some opportunities, he had to hide and wait).

    I also enjoyed the henchman-master dynamic between Pierce and Khan. It was pretty refreshing to have a villain treat his underlings humanely and with genuine care, which I presume is less platonic (or maybe less managerial) than meets the eye. I'm hoping to see a bit more of this in the future, this 'humane' side of Khan.

    As for some caveats, the transition is a bit unclear. We have a scene with Pierce and Khan, *somewhere*, then we have Lev and Astri meeting Pierce again in a parking garage in the middle of somewhere. Whilst I understood it, it makes it rather inorganic, since we aren't given a very clear temporal or spatial indication as to what went when and where.

    There is also what I call 'description backpedal', wherein an element that has been there for a while is only introduced when need be. Whilst not wrong, it creates a conflicting image in my mind as a reader, namely that they were always there, but had *just* appeared now, not when he was introduced. This is evident when we learn about Pierce's suitcase only after he drops them to summon his Talos.

    And in the vein of Steven Seagal's iconic: "I will snatch every motherfucker birthday", may I ask what is a 'comeback, something poignant against her logic?' Something...regretful against her logic? Like something that'd make her regret, or...

    Anywho, nice segue. Beat the crap out of Pierce to wring him dry of facts.

    Bubbles, out.

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    2
    UnCrowned New Cover
    UnCrowned
    Chapter:3


    Sep 19, 2021

    D'awww. This was nice. I loved it. As for why, lemme deflate you first.

    My boy Blake is just going through puberty. Ah, such is youth, stomach-churning and cheek-flushed. If only in the brief moment when his mouth was slightly agape, she shoved the pie in his mouth. Tsk, Reed, where is the anti-maiden in you. Would've been a big doki-doki moment.

    That Rainbow dragon is literally a Ho-oh. Nothing about it, just saying it as it is. Fire-loving thing flying high in the sky and blessing people who see it with feathers regarded as some form of kingly gift.

    For someone who seemed uncertain of his emotions thus far, he sure is quite quick to label them as 'attachment'. Surprisingly enough, just before he realises why the girl suddenly doesn't seem so untrusting enough. Who knew it was just the obvious passion for dragons that can bring people together.

    As for why I liked this chapter. It felt like a natural progression. After a ton of mistrust, Blake finally being (in 'his' own words) worn down by Reed's forthcoming attitude. Plus, it has that deliciously palatable atmosphere of two kids just sitting at the table and talking about dragons and dinosaurs and stuff. I'm not particularly fond of how cliche their ending is with the whole 'Don't you dare call us friends!' spiel. It's a lot of tsun that just turns dere with that 'but' at the end. But regardless, it was a very cute progression. Looking forward to... I don't know Bleed? Rake? Whatever.

    *Also, no idea why the hell you give girls androgynous, yet predominantly male-names.* /s

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    0
    The Heir of the Dragon
    The Heir of the Dragon
    Chapter:14


    Sep 19, 2021

    I've been in classrooms for a long time and this might be educational system differences speaking, but who the hell asks a student to explain another student's answer without trying to be a mocking prick?

    Fire(ball) safety training. Essential for every gun-own... Ram Academy student.

    Y'know, I get that several weeks had passed and it might just be me, but I'd rather not find this out somewhere in the middle of the chapter. Especially when I'm being told some general truths about the classroom that a teacher would've picked up only through some extended contact with his pupils (i.e. Ark's grades, Elly's bullying, Blake's distrusting nature, etc.). Pair that with things like 'first lesson in practical application of magic' and you're in for some dissonance until the fact is explicitly stated.

    I liked the bit where Damien addressed Blake by his first name, rather than his last. Pretty subtle nod to their relationship, troubled as it is. Great job. :3

    As for the length of the chapter. I get it, character building. Importance to the main narrative? Not so much. Things that should be seen just through a brief panning through the crowds are given paragraphs. Like sure, Ark's a genius, he shoots good fireball, one sentence. Prince has lackeys congratulating his good spell and so does Sabine, one sentence. My guy here literally sidetracked the Elly side of things to go lecture someone, do some analysis for 4-5 paragraphs, then return. Shoving non-main character 'mini-scenes' in-between the meaningful ones does more to dissuade and detract than add.

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    The Heir of the Dragon
    The Heir of the Dragon
    Chapter:12


    Sep 18, 2021

    Seems like I've been invoked by Tomoyuki. I shall provide some enlightenment on the matter, but after the focus of this chapter. First off, Leilandry literally made a 'it's not the size, it's how you use it' reference. She is the chaddest character so far. Heart react.

    Y'know, as someone who has been bullied relentlessly and victim of abuses that range from slap-on-the-wrist to prison time crimes, I believe I've suspended my disbelief for long enough at Elly's anxiety. Like, apart from the bad actors she's met, most of the people have been nothing but welcoming and cool with her, especially with her whole spiel. I get her, I really do and I relate to her, but it's... stagnating, you know? Like in 10 chapters of happenings (albeit I suppose they were just two days), she seems to have only what, the same doubting rhetoricals she's had since the beginning? One would assume that someone would face the music after a while, as broken as they might be. At the very least, an indication that she understand that not everyone means her harm or something. I might've missed it, granted, but god damn, nothing penetrates her barrier.

    As for Tomoyuki's take, I have agreed with it in the past and will echo his concerns first of all. It's tiresome to bring in so many characters with little to no apparent meaning and I'm sure that I don't want to keep a glossary of terms next to me for just one volume. It's probably got twenty characters in it and I'm not even past a fifth of the first volume. The main problem here comes, I believe, from an anti-Chekhov's gun way of writing. I get it that you like your characters and wanna give them stage time, but it's just ineffective storytelling. When the stage is too crowded, the protagonists can barely breathe. And with the style issue mentioned from the get-go, it's just an extremely difficult thing to sit through and enjoy without some concessions being made. And I don't wanna make concessions. :3

    Alas, I think that's my stopping point for the day. I'm open to, ahem, questions. Not via DM, mind you. I'm hoping that I'll be able to mark some more chapters tomorrow, lest I find some fatal flaw or I just grow increasingly tired and it stops being worthwhile.

    For what it's worth, there seems to have been an enormous amount of planning put into this novel and it shows with all the ramifications and character development (talking strictly about developing the characters as story elements, not the characters' development). At some point, though, it's a bit hard to take them out of the one-note, unfortunately evident with Elly. I guess she's more of the ironic side-heroine, whereas Blake is the eponymous character. Tsk, poor half-elf girl. If anything, I think it's the perspective that kind of shackles this. The limited third, whilst allowing for a much smoother immersion into the fantasy world has its caveats in creating a disjointed narration that changes 'styles' (it's the same, but it's the easiest way of saying it) four times already. If you're going to do head jumping of this caliber, does it really make sense anymore to have it be limited? Feels like a shot in the foot for gains that, in the end, don't seem to outweigh the losses.

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    The Heir of the Dragon
    The Heir of the Dragon
    Chapter:10

    Sep 18, 2021

    Interesting how they have a Hamburg in this world. Otherwise, I wonder how they have a hamburger and then a burger. But no fries, though. That would've been a complete faux-pas.

    'The Harker Family...' I mean, I'm assuming it's a synecdoche? Otherwise is Blake not aware he's an orphan? I'm just going to believe he refers to himself as the Harker name and call it a day. Unless he thinks his farm uncle is also some nobility, which I'd doubt.

    For someone meant to be an extradiegetic presence and, by extension, distanced from the events, the narrator sure does love to slip into some very subjective realm. Inheriting Elly's... ellipses the other chapter and Blake's exclamative rage(!) in this chapter. A little bit uncanny, a little bit immersive breaking.

    My boy Lance just got snubbeeeeeeed. That's what you get for trash-talking Elly, you pompous prick. Go sit on a throne with a butt donut, you egg. *badumtss*.

    For someone who is a country mage/country girl (I presume) combo, Aria can surely change registers when speaking to her student. Interesting subtext, were it intentional. She comes off as incredulously eloquent when need be.

    As for Elly's reveal, eh... I'm left wondering if it wouldn't have been more effective to show it from her POV and the aftermath from Blake's side, rather than vice-versa. If anything, he would've still carried the same awe and the explanation could've come in the same, whilst you'd have got the whole introspection and stress bit on Elly with a bit more of a visceral pretext. As it is right now, it feels like just another passing event, not something stressed. If that's the intention, sure, power to you. Otherwise, it's kind of lackluster.

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    The Heir of the Dragon
    The Heir of the Dragon
    Chapter:9