Bubbles

Bubbles

I'm Bubbles.

Currently on hiatus.

registered at: Aug 13, 2020
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    Participant - MAL x Honeyfeed Writing Contest 2021
    Finalist - MAL x Honeyfeed Writing Contest 2022
    Participant - MAL x Honeyfeed Writing Contest 2023




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    The Wolf Among Rats (Old)
    Chapter:15


    Sep 08, 2021

    Hiho.

    For a little introduction into how I conduct my comments, for the first chapter of the binge, I usually come in and comment primarily on the style, then focus on the plot, characters and whatever elements I can think of. Therefore, my first comment is usually miles long, whereas the rest might dwindle. That's not to say I'm reading anything with less attention, more that I just don't wanna repeat myself.

    For one, the style isn't bad, but it's not anything stellar. I relish the simplicity of it, it's very WN-y, so I assume it's a right fit. The introspection reminds me a lot of YA novels, and the inner voice of the character is a little tongue-in-cheek, but it's not something that I would loathe hearing for too long, so that's a plus. Most of the teenager voices in writing make me want to commit various degrees of self-harm.

    Alas, a caveat I would like to list is the lack of descriptions altogether. Apart from the gender and name, I know nothing about Kar, Ren, the three siblings whose name I won't even try to bastardise at a simple first read. To me they're just floating heads. Something as simple as 'two blonde girls with eyes gleaming of innocence and awe' would've sufficed, no need to go Proustian. But this kind of extends to everything. No location, no action, no face, no clothes are being described. It makes everything seem a little foggy to me.

    The pacing is interesting. It follows a very scene-prone approach, which is perfect for the manga adaptation criterion and it also works well with what you're trying to write and your style in general. The actions flow well, the acrobatics and the dialogue complement each other to form a very unified composition. However, at the end it feels like you've forgotten the foot on the accelerator. It all seems to pick up so suddenly, maybe a bit of patience would've been better.

    The characters seem interesting enough. From the get-go our protagonist seems like an Aladdin-like hero, a thief by circumstance who is enveloped with Robin Hood tendencies of care and generosity. The mother's concern is genuine, Ren seems like a cute partner in crime and we have some romantic shoehorning in that I'm eager to see develop. All in all, it's a solid introduction, I'm waiting to see what comes off them.

    I think this is all I can think of. Let's see where this journey takes me, shall we?

    Kind regards,

    Bubbles. :3

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    The Wolf Among Rats (Old)
    Chapter:13

    Sep 08, 2021

    Okay, finished!

    So, just a fair warning, I'll go the good parts first and the bad parts right after. Naturally, my opinion all throughout.

    I have thoroughly enjoyed the world you've built here. From the Latin-American cryptids loitering around the place to the sullen sense of religion, political culture, philosophy and psychology, it is truly a thrill for the ones in the know to dissect and analyse. I loved trying to grasp all the references to certain video games and TV series and since most of them weren't particularly anime, I could do that with relative ease (since I'm more versed in this part of the globe's culture ; u ;). The RE, SH, TLOU and hell, maybe a little bit of Stranger Things? were a perfect frame for what, ultimately, turned up to be a very decent story.

    The characters were a particular strong suit of this here piece, for no other reason than the sheer grittiness seeping from every word they spoke. You could feel their hearts on their sleeves even in the case of the more withheld ones, such as Victoria and Gabriel and it was never too hard to understand how they felt in the heat of the moment. The expressions, the reactions and the overall atmosphere every back and forth created were staggering and outstanding and electing to have them in focus in certain chapters really made those instances shine.

    Lastly, a little bit of magic makes everything perfect. The open-ending and the vaguery retained throughout gain a particularly sorrowful value when you realise the myriad possibilities that could explain this whole world's end scenario. Was it all just a nightmare? A bottled universe? A trial? A godlike tribulation? Happenstance? It's intriguing to try and piece it all together with a third person narration as unreliable as it could get. And for that, a curtsy and a pat on the back, good sir.

    However, we lumber towards the bad ones.

    As good as the unreliable narrator proved to be for the sake of plot-related mystery, the techniques used to cement it leave to be desired. Particularly, I've noticed something that I can only assume is by design: the chapters start at jarringly different points from where the last ones ended. Granted, this probably adds to the overall confusion of it all, but it also creates a sense of looseness. The plot feels rambly and poorly tie, especially in the last chapters where most of the time I'm left with a sense of 'for what and for why?' Punctually, when Celeste killed Nathanial, the next chapter begins with her meeting Alex. It feels like she's just going through a boss rush at this point and Alex just spawned in Dark Souls style. Same can be said about the episodes where the mob is getting increasingly restless. The disjointed narrative works well, but it feels a little bit clumsily executed, which hurts me. It was paramount for this technique.

    As for the mid-point, for the most part it feels...pointless? We get acquainted with the characters and their motives more and more and the development is there, I'll give you that. But apart from the main events (Alex's arrival, Greg's imprisonment and maybe the burning pillow riots?) I could swap around everything and I don't think the story would be any different. Granted, this might be my expectation for a linear narrative speaking, but I feel like the way it was done there is a certain tension lacking. I can't really see the escalating dread in the face of the populace, the increasing conflict between the two opposing sides (whose opposition, to this moment, I can't quite grasp and I would love an explanation for the Victoria/ Alex & Nathanial dynamic), the secret Celeste was harbouring; all of these seem to be in the background. In the foreground lies... well, good question? I'd say it's the conversations I mentioned earlier. But whilst they are stellar, they do little to progress the narrative, alas. As such, the way I could describe the plot is mostly stagnant. It's like I'm watching a pot boiling and my hob decides to die at random intervals. The water rises and falls, rises and falls, and I can't cook my damn pasta properly.

    But anyhow, all in all, I have enjoyed this story. The ending was out of left field, but the tragedy, the metaphorical, metaphysical and philosophical interpretations I can attribute to it are marvelous, in spite of the build-up lacking a level of polish. It's a moral, really, that one must brave demons in a self-designed 'private hell' in order to emerge new. And whilst many loses might be incurred, your ideologies challenged, your innocence put to the test, your feelings, like your tears, wrung dry, it all gets washed by the shores of time. A strong beginning, a plummeting midpoint and a rising ending, quality-wise, make this what it is. A good story.

    Until next time, I think this is all I had to say. Best of luck in your future endeavours, I'm hoping I'll be here to witness them. Until then...

    Bubbles, out. :3

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    By the Shores of Time
    By the Shores of Time
    Chapter:25




    Sep 07, 2021

    Aight, this is my stopping point for the day and I figure it's a good one whilst at it. Let's see what the Bubbles has thought so far.

    I believe that the past few chapters have really taken a turn, for the better of the story, for the worse for the characters. I feel like after this door that I've dropped in front of me lie all the answers to the questions I've been posing so far. If so, I will be pleased, if not, I will go on assuming. Either way, I'll be satisfied.

    Whilst my comments so far have been on the more critical side that was because I feel like this story has a lot of potential. However, as the past chapters proved, it lacks a sense of clarity and knowledge to it. I'm not sure if this was all winged. The religious undertones, the cultural references, the philosophical side of things that I'm sure made Atish squeal with joy, those were all splendid and I'm glad they were there. However, I feel like they were so central to the plot that the plot itself kind of fizzled out around them.

    For the most part I had struggled to grasp a semblance of coherent motivation behind the events and the character's actions and for the most part I was left with more questions than I have answered myself. It is all unfortunately unclear. And I understand it being a mystery and all, but when I can't grasp even the most fundamental of concepts of it: the setting, the action, the time, the progression, the space, I'm left to wonder whether I'm incapable or whether there was something amiss through all of this.

    Without a doubt the meditative sense this piece evokes is solemn. It tackles many issues and it goes in depth on many problems that go beyond the spectrum of this contained novel, overflowing into the real world. But this very sense leaves everything else feel like nothing but a catalyst and a shell for the notions transmitted, when it should be the other way around. Alas, I hope that the religious showdown and undertones I'll peruse tomorrow with a clear, rested mind will become a swan song to end on a high note.

    Until then, however, I wish to say that you shouldn't be down on yourself. Whilst it falls short of my inordinately haughty expectations, it is not a bad novel by any means. If I were to describe it in one word I'd say it's unfocused. I fear the time crunch, constraint and theme you were shoved into had constricted you too much. As such, what was left was but a withered husk of what could've been a tour de force in monographing a host of issues that I'm sure surround you. Hold your head up high, however. You had tried your best and the message had come across. And whilst it wasn't in the best of forms, it was palatable enough for me to reach this far without wincing once. Rejoice. :3

    Until tomorrow, I shall bid you a good day and wish myself a good night.

    Kind regards,

    Bubbles. :3

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    By the Shores of Time
    By the Shores of Time
    Chapter:20