Jun 19, 2023
I have a small note to make. Often times you interweave the character's afterthoughts within the dialogue structure, but I feel like the way you do it can be switched up some times. I like, for example, how in the last chapter that second to last line was scattered throughout the 'she pinched/she pulled/she squeezed' and found that kind of quirk very illustrious. However, to give an example here, when Neil says 'Stop. Please', I think you can do a very simple thing:
Line. Break.
And I'll tell you why such a change, minimal as it may seem, works wonders on so many different levels.
For one, it creates an artificial break in reading cadence. The eyes having to gloss down creates a pause of dead air, a cinematic technique which we can't emulate through writing alone, but that we can surely attempt and pull off. And, for what it's worth, I feel like that line really demanded that the music settled down and we heard, for a while, just the white noise and din of the passersby.
For two, it creates clarity. Not tagging your dialogue in a conversation is perfectly fine when there are two speakers in and it flows very naturally. But, when there is so much text spacing out the lines, I think the reader's memory falters. Creating this sort of buffer is like a moment of respiro, a bit of respite from the act of interpreting a conversation.
For three, it creates focus. That line, jutting out ever so poignantly against what was hitherto a warm, breezy conversation, breaks away from the tone through somewhat of a staccato with its briskness and its short length. By isolating it on its own, that impression gets amplified, it can be easily zoomed in on the page and focused on lending the moment a far greater weight than you probably intended, a weight that I probably read into far too much.
Naturally, the point of this message wasn't to nitpick a small quirk into oblivion. Rather, it was to provide a very detailed example on how your dialogue technique can be improved in ways you have demonstrated you are able to.
Also, I hope you appreciate the musical references within. Mwah.
Bubbles, out.
