Jun 02, 2023
Right so you asked for critique so I'm putting my Ebert hat on.
I think that there is a nice theme at play here in the beginning. It's interesting to see that someone who is allegedly so talented he can already work at a professional level is stunted by some sort of essentialist belief that you must graduate to be able to be a musician. And because the reader can appreciate that his father might just be a little protective and not willing to risk his son's chances, this is a very good conflict to start on. I'm interested to see how this is handled.
I can't really get behind the writing style tbh. A lot of it is telling and it feels like the information isn't conveyed in an interesting enough way to be captivating. You're almost always describing what the characters are feeling as if they're not experiencing it, rather you're just reading the emotion label on their foreheads. Sometimes you're also just doing that thing where you're summarising the action instead of just letting it play out naturally. And that, combined with this very vignettesque way you're structuring your scenes gives very little weight to the events. It feels like I'm just being presented with a slideshow as opposed to a story and it's hard for me to gather anything from this.
Barring that in mind, I feel like there's something to be said about the language used to. The descriptions feel very technical and uninteresting, like you're compiling a grocery list of things in any given place as opposed to focusing on the things that are actually interesting. And somehow, you're still not giving the reader enough to begin imagining your characters. Apart from an 'average' and 'maid', I can't really say I can get a picture of who they are. And sure, whilst I can infer some things from their personalities, I think a reader needs a little more to form a mental image. You don't need to write a paragraph of 'his hair was X, his eyes were Y'; something quick and easy goes a long way.
As for the ending, it doesn't sound like something that the chapter was building up to. Typically, you'd want a chapter to be a rounded narrative, to have elements be introduced gradually and the conclusion to be something that feels natural and here it's just a 200 word addendum that feels tacked on to a bit of father-son drama. It ties in to the slideshow bit from earlier, but I feel like you could really afford to flesh this out far more than you are, otherwise this pacing gives me whiplash.
Also Maid in Melodies should've been Maid Melodies change my mind.
Bubbles, out.
