May 24, 2026
This is a great concept! But the execution definitely has some flaws. I'm willing to suspend my disbelief for some of the obvious things like a local newspaper investigating murders since I'm sure you're not trying to be too realistic. After all, it's a fun Mahou-shoujo comedy! But imo you could stand to pay a lot more attention to the little details.
• So far, the prose is awkward and flat. I feel like I'm being told what's happening and not actually SHOWN it. Instead of simply stating "it looked like a spell gone haywire" you should probably describe the details of what she's looking at. It doesn't need to be gorey or gruesome, but that detail helps build a more compelling image in the reader's mind, plus it involves the reader in the story itself.
• there's a bit of repetition of basic statements. You say things like "I asked" or "I said" a lot, and that can become monotonous. Try adding some personality and details. "I asked, voice barely concealing my skepticism" or "I said with a note of finality". Along this line, you also don't describe the characters' movements in their environment much. I.e. did Ayame walk somewhere else to speak about the case details? Did she simply turn her body to face someone else? What does the room look like?
• lastly, the characters don't have a lot of personality yet. You describe only one of them with detail and differed speech pattern (Aoki), otherwise everyone kinda...feels the same.
• lastly, this might be more of a personal peeve of mine, but your "Magical Intern" stops being an intern on chapter 1. XD And most of the Japanese names are kinda generic.
HOWEVER I know this is only ch 1 and I'm sure many things will improve. I like the idea so far! It has a lot of potential!! 💜
