Jul 12, 2022
I will start by deconstructing the prologue.
For starters, and I will start with the good I found at first glance, was the narrative voice. You establish that Amy is the protagonist of the story and that she is very unique, as well as the world she lives.
Now, there moments that I broke off from the immersion, and it was the prose. I understand wanting to give a vivid scenery, regardless, it is not necessarily to describe exactly every single thing with adecuate words. Here's where the use of flowery language could help quite a lot, especially when it comes to describing Amy at the start.
You make her stand out, but her stand-outness is stiff and uninteresting. Clearly, she is meant to stick out like a sore thumb, given her clothes and attitude, notwithstanding that the man is clearly struck when he sees her.
Yet, the way he sees her is lacklustre. Perhaps adding uniqueness to her ways could help, but I don't like giving out alternatives nor opinions without being asked so I'll stop with that here.
When it comes to the man, he is better written than the girl, since you show the reader his nervousness as well as panic at certain points, which in turn go to Amy and her purpose of being there.
I do believe though, that the last parapgraph is telling a lot instead of showing. I understand that that last paragraph is the opener for chapter one. Yet, it could have been a little bit more mysterious, but that's just me.
Regardless, I do believe the story has potential, and your writing is fantastic you are no amateur as you claim. I have a soft spot for idols as well, so consider me in for the ride.
