Jun 09, 2022
To:AWiddleStar
Of course!
I think the thing that struck me the most was the interaction between Chiffon and her attendant. When he asks if she has forgotten the events for the day, she instantly remembers (and visibly so on account of her choking on her tea) but the attendant goes on to say what the events are anyway, which feels quite forced. It shows the author's hand too much; because it's necessary for us to know this you've had a character say it out loud where (I don't think) they otherwise would have.
There are also the paragraphs following 'The term Royal was not simply...' which serves entirely as exposition for what Royals are all at once, when a lot of these things, say for instance that a Royal is more skilled than your average commoner, could probably be easily woven into a scene later on and feel less clunky. The two following paragraphs both start with 'however' as well, which serves to highlight the continued nature of exposition on Royals.
I think a lot of people are fine with this sort of thing, especially with webnovels and in first chapters, but I do think it can read kind of poorly.
Hope I didn't go overboard with that but those are a couple of examples that I think are worth looking at.
