Jun 29, 2022
So I've just read the first three chapters and my main takeaway is that I think this could do with another editing pass.
There are two big reasons for this. The first is that the narration is very dry, it's a lot of mechanical description of what is happening with no personality, and this is an issue when most of the story thus far has been that narration.
The second is that most of these first three chapters are spent covering what is essentially a single scene with Indigo killing and then becoming the escapee's replacement. All of that could very easily be a single opening chapter I feel and probably should be.
There is one recurring thing you do really nicely, however. It pops up in both narration and dialogue but you have these lines with some really slick, subtle worldbuilding elements.
An example from this chapter: 'She didn't know if it was flavourless or if rich people could tell what it tasted like.' This line is really nice. ANd from the previous chapter, it's when Indigo is thinking about how it's less dangerous to believe high authority than anger it. Both are really great examples of how well you can convey the world without having to shove it in the reader's face.
I do think it needs work, but it's definitely worth working on!
