Jul 09, 2021
To:znf
I'm pleased you noticed and liked the transition. I was afraid it was too on the nose.
"The dialogue there felt kind of artificial and seemed more to just signal to the reader that something was about to happen as opposed to something that could be said by them, if that makes any sense"
Honestly, you and I agree on this. I don't like how it reads either. When I do the second draft on this chapter I plan on rewriting it. I just needed to get something down in the meantime, and my first draft dialogue isn't always super organic, despite my best efforts.
I appreciate the feedback, and look forward to more of it on future chapters!