Jul 21, 2021
Here's the review you asked for:
Your sentences right now have strange structuring, use unnecessary grandiose-sounding words, and tell the reader the situation you're trying to portray rather than show them the situation you're trying to portray. Your writing should be like glass, clear and unremarkable. That way people will be able to focus on the story you're trying to tell. For example, this sentence:
'At night the school gives off a rather spooky atmosphere, the same place crowded by souls is creaked by the lullaby of the crickets.'
This should be replaced with something like this:
'Night. The school, full of people by daytime, was now cold and empty. Quiet, save for the crying of the cicadas.'
You see how I'm showing you it's spooky rather than just telling you?
For general sentencing advice, read this: http://www.jlakes.org/ch/web/The-elements-of-style.pdf
Good luck!
