Aug 27, 2021
Given your request over DM for my thoughts on how to improve your world descriptions, I have the following.
First, you are absolutely hamstringing yourself by having so much exposition in this chapter. It reads like a textbook, or like a setting document for an RPG to get the player's feet wet or something. The majority of this stuff could be flat out deleted and your work would improve for it.
Second, your prose could be improved. Youtube is filled to bursting with videos about "show don't tell" and you should give them a look over. The shorthand solution for you would be to open this up in your word processor and ctrl+f for "is" and try to rework every sentence to eliminate that 'is' and use stronger verbs instead.
Third, if you want your descriptions to come across as immersive, to engross the reader, what you want to do is focus on how the sensory data of the world that the character is getting (ie what they're seeing and experiencing) impacts them. Language can be filled with feeling. The highway snakes around settlements, never giving a direct (and short) path home. The lights streak by, barely able to function as mile markers. Police cameras stare back mutely, doing nothing as raiders approach. The beastman looms, his breath fills the air with spit as he sways his mutated muzzle back and forth like the barrel of his gun. The leader of the raiders cackles and struts forward in a motley robe that looked like it had been stitched out of a dozen different company uniforms and tie-dyed (god I hope that's not blood at the hem). etc.
Additionally, Hans' dialogue is bad. It sounds like it was written by someone who is pretending to know english.
Hopefully that's helpful?
