Jan 10, 2023
I think you’ve managed to build quite the intricate world and had a decent showing of the magic system around it. However, there are some additional thoughts I’d like to add (do forgive me if I end up sounding too rude or blunt):
The story, especially at the start, has this “technical” feel from your narration and dialogue. For a fantasy story with magic, it sours the mood for a bit. And the almost excessive “tell not show” approach does not make it better.
This leads to the problem of not having your character stand out a lot. Melwyn has a total of one line, delivered in a very “choppy” manner (while I do understand that the choice is deliberate, I personally feel that it messes up the pace more than it creates the dramatic effect you were aiming for). This doesn’t emphasize enough on how Melwyn is supposed to be this great sage with a heart of gold that people should know, but rather the information is fed directly to the viewers, leaving a lot to be desire.
I cannot promise that I will continue the story, but I hope that this feedback, however good or bad it is, can help you improve your craft more.
