Dec 21, 2024
To:Steward McOy
True, description and characters i think are the hardest things as a writer. Thant being said, with a story like this one, that’s going towards different settings, i think it’s important.
You described the village but how are the roads inside of the village, how big are the domes, etc. When they went inside of the city i understood they were going through multiple domes by way of telling. Some examples:
1.) The opening scene with Apollo shows him guarding a dirt road where there was an altercation and after Sprout walks to the guard post. Its only described as “small huts in open fields” and We're told kids play and people relax and it confused me if she was coming in or outside of the dome until i read. That would’ve been a good opportunity to get Us to care about the village being destroyed because We see it. One instant a person crouches on a hill, but to me i would think it’s a flatland. Where’s the hill? It just makes me wonder is all.
2.) When they leave the village, it was good to see some shrubbery and plant life, but the next description We see is them reaching im assuming a hill where the rest. Then they hide in a forest for an ambush attack. So were they in a forest the whole time, or were they in an open wasteland and came upon a forest? We know they are in the wastelands but there’s plant life and forests and rough terrain by assumption. It’s not necessary to explain how it is like this, only make it shown so We believe it.
3.) When they enter the city you describe the trash on the asphalt, dilapidated buildings and leaning neon lights. And the bathhouse had mold stains and dried soap. Which was good, then they ride the train through a town then end up in a high scale neighborhood. How does the rest of the city look? What are the expressions on the peoples faces? We see later on traffic is bumper to bumper and there’s clearly cars. But there’s no description of the rest on the largest dome in their Federation. Nor Sprouts thoughts on the city life since it’s always been her dream to visit and leave the city. i felt the reaction was missing.
To me, it’s less about a minimalist approach but rather consistency in setting and amplifying the feelings, smells, atmosphere, random people that truly immerse a reader in the journey. If you tighten that aspect, it can be an even greater adventure. i look forward to the rest because the plot is advancing!
