Jun 11, 2022
Alright, here’s my critique. I’m going to try to keep this as brief as possible, but there is a WHOLE lot to say about this.
First, I have to say that there’s a lot of creativity here. You’re definitely coming in with interesting ideas and it was a very fun read.
A few things about the writing were a little off, however. The first thing I noticed was the abundance of ellipses in Chapter 0. Chapter 1 was a huge improvement in this regard, and I’m glad to see that you’re improving as you’re going. In short, as you move forward, try to use ellipses very sparingly.
The next thing I noticed were some minor spelling mistakes peppered throughout both chapters. I assume that you want to paint a picture with “large twisted metal beams” instead of “large twisted metal beans”. Small mistake, large impact. It’s always a good idea to wait a couple of days and reread what you wrote so you can catch things like that. Also, make sure you’re aware of rules for things like commas, possessive pronouns (I saw a hers’s in there somewhere), and tenses. In the sentence “The woman pales and froze for a moment because she did not expect that to be the result of an attack.” there’s a noticeable tense swap.
There’s one last thing I wanted to touch on. Some people don’t like sound effects and stuff like that in writing. However, I think it can work in a medium like this. You might just be putting in a couple onomatopoeias too many, but not everyone is going to have a problem with that.
Some of these things may seem a bit nitpicky, but you’re damn creative and I want to see you be able to fully execute your ideas. Don’t stop writing and never stop improving!
