Jun 19, 2023
I'll be honest, I think what's holding the story back is lack of experience. It has a lot of cute moments and Ren has a strong personality, and even while I get it's slice of lifey and chapters feel like they're meant to be episodic, the actual bonding moments are something you seem to rush through (saying at one point, paraphrased, 'their friendship grew stronger over the week') which is, I assume, the emotional core of the story. It's a strange choice to say the least.
The character introductions are cute in general. Everyone but Raku seems to have a distinct personality, I think. She just seems like 'girl' to me. Compared to Chihiro, Ren or Oyuki especially, I feel like I don't know her at all. It might help to flesh her out during those bonding moments than tell about them happening. I don't know. There's a lot of cute elements to the story, but a lot of it also seems to be glossed over. Not sure if it's almost meant to be stylistic (like the one-sentence paragraphs, very simplistic language or the dialogue format, assuming that's one), but unlike the other elements, it's part of the content of the story itself and not its presentation.
Also, I'm still confused about their ages.
Sorry if it seemed harsh (I don't see many comments like these in general on this site, not sure if it's breaking some rule? idk), but I decided to say it precisely because I think the story deserves some polish. I think 'diamond in the rough' best describes it.
