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CalleighGwyn

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Oct 13, 2022

Lily really needs to get their sh*t together! XD Crushing so hard for someone and not even knowing the last name?

The little 4th wall breaks are great, if (like anything) they're not overused.

I Turned Into A Boy

Chapter:4

Oct 13, 2022

That's a very precious way to lose ones virginity. XD

I Turned Into A Boy

Chapter:3

Sep 28, 2022

And the troubles begin to pile up...

Lily/Meddler is already a loveable character and the readers care when bad things happen to her/him.

A few things:

Always capitalize names. Especially Lily and Sahisha are often mistreated in that regard.

I keep harping on it, but: use less ellipses (three dots), please. And _when_ you use them, make sure it's exactly three and a space after.

Same goes for exclamation marks! One is already powerful enough. There is never a situation that requires more.

And also "ahhhhhhh", "whattttttttttttt" and the like. I know what you want to do there, but the "rule of three" can be applied here, too. So "ahhh" and "whattt" would have the exact same effect.

I see you're using ways other than dialog to tell the story. I like that! 😁

I Turned Into A Boy

Chapter:2

Sep 28, 2022

To:Aziz_ahamed713

I'm "into" captivating stories and interesting characters.

It's great that you already have so many ideas about stories to tell. Take your time with them. No need to rush. The way you write is still very rough. Your goal should be to polish more and more. After you have written a chapter, don't immediately publish it. Let it rest for a day or two, then re-read it. Look for sentences that feel awkward or weird. Or that sound weird in combination with the sentences before or after. Try moving things around a bit to see what makes the story flow better or worse. Trust in the "rules" of writing (almost all sentences end with a single dot. Use ellipses (three dots) and other "fancy" punctuation (like exclamation points) very sparingly, etc.). Look out for mistakes that a simple spell check does not catch (i.e. correctly writing the wrong word).

And maybe, in the beginning, let it rest for another day or two and look at it again, before publishing it. It's never going to be "perfect". That shouldn't be the goal. But you will always find little (or bigger) things to improve, so give your self the time to find them. And eventually, you will find them faster and faster.

I Turned Into A Boy

Chapter:1

Sep 26, 2022

So, here we go again. 😁 I'm really happy you keep writing.

I agree with the other commenters and reiterate what I said about M.A.D: You do know how to create endearing characters and how to fill them with life and throw them into interesting situations. But again, this dialogue (or rather monologue) heavy and very script like way of writing distracts from the good things.

For example, why does the paragraph at the beginning, starting with "Hello! I'm lily rose [...]" need to be spoken? Yes, that's a pretty tropy opening in an anime, but it feels out of place in a novel.

As an author, you want to be guiding the readers into and through the wonderful world of your imagination. Right now, you're basically throwing stuff at them and expect them to pick it up. Even when it's mostly good stuff, people usually don't like it when you keep throwing at them. 😅

----

The alarm forcefully pulled Lily out of her sweet dream back to reality. Her right hand smashed down on the clock on the small table next to her bed almost by itself, putting an end to the harsh noise. Her face was still buried in the blanket. But only for a few more moments. Today was the day. Today was _her_ day. May 5th, 2038. Today she turned 16. And today she will do what she practiced for months.

She pulled her pants up and got out of bed. Folded the blanket nicely and put it in a corner, then looked into the small mirror on the wall.

"Happy birthday to me!" she shouted.

On days like this, she always missed her parents a little more. They died in a car accident four years ago, but the details are murky. She's been an orphan ever since and had to learn to manage. And now she needed to get ready for school.

(and so on)

I Turned Into A Boy

Chapter:1

Sep 20, 2022

Great ending for an interesting tournament. And I definitely did not see the M.A.D. twist coming. Also thanks for the shout out!

Now you a) finished writing a story and b) put it out there in public for everyone to read. That's already more than a lot of "hobby" writers manage. So you can really be proud of yourself for that.

I'm not going to lie, there are still lot's of problems, but I also see that you keep working on those. The more you write, the better you will get at it.

A few more things to note: I liked the twist, but I think it could have had an even bigger impact, if you gave the relationship between Emerson and his parents more room to breathe. It was great in that one character, but it just felt like more background for the character. Stories usually have a "theme". And with this "twist", the "theme" for this story seems to be his love for his parents. But for that, this difficult love should be given more weight beforehand (without giving it away, of course).

Also, some other plotpoints fell a bit short. Like the mafia and the old man. They just... gave up? When you first introduced them, I was excited about what their part in all this would be, but apart from a little cheaty action, they didn't really matter all that much.

The group of fans/friends is cute, and I'd like to see more of them. It's nice that you set your other story in the same "universe". I havent read it, yet, but I hope to see some of these characters pop up there.

You have a great sense about characters and character interaction. The rest will come with experience.

M.A.D

Chapter:20

Sep 19, 2022

To:Aziz_ahamed713

> In manga I can show what the players are doing which I wasn't able to express here in novel

Ah! But see, you _can_ do it in a novel, too. You are the author, you can do everything you can imagine. You are limiting yourself by having basically everything done through dialogue.

I think I already did, but I'd really like to "challenge" you to write a story without any talking whatsoever. Just novel-like narration. For at least two or three of these chapter lengths.

---

Emerson Halidiya was a happy-go-lucky student. His grades were abysmal and everyone called him MAD because of it. But there was one thing he loved more than anything else in the world and that was playing chess. Every free minute he spent playing it. On his phone, on his computer or on a real board. And he actually wasn't half bad at it. So when the annual school chess tournament was just around the corner, he didn't hesitate to take part.

(and so on. 😅)

M.A.D

Chapter:19

Sep 15, 2022

Really like how chess people call the final round "armageddon". So dramatic! XD

I also like how you explain what certain moves mean for the game. On the other hand, it's a bit jarring to read move after move after move. In the novel of The Queen's Gambit, Tevis never really bothered writing down games. But you clearly want to show them in detail, so that the reader can play along. That's great, but also creates the dilemma, that not every move is "interesting", but you still have to have people "talk" about them (because talking is the main form you chose for storytelling).

In a Manga, you could easily skip those parts by showing the full board every once in a while, so that people would still get what's going on. For a novel... I don't know. I'd focus on key situations, that are then discussed in depth. And the moves in between, I'd just write them in a line, so readers could still follow them, but the characters in your story would not have to "say them out loud".

Like most stories don't mention characters going to the toilet, unless it's important to the story (see: Pulp Fiction).

M.A.D

Chapter:19

Sep 07, 2022

Massive buildup, tough game and then... an unexpected conclusion. Good thing there are still some more chapters to follow (and I did not peek).

It's good, and I won't repeat the usual advices. You are already done with this and changing anything this far in would not makes sense, anyways. But I really hope you take the advices given to you, not just by me, but by a lot of different people, as far as I can tell, to heart and apply them in your future works.

M.A.D

Chapter:18

Sep 05, 2022

You really got these little bits of personal interaction down. That is your biggest strength in my opinion.

The 70% is oddly specific. I would just go with "most of them"

And don't mess with Disney, they _will_ come after you. XD
Seriously though, novels almost never make reference to real life brand names. Most of the time, they invent similar brands, where it's obvious what is meant, but it's still not the actual thing. It's like an understanding between author and reader. Both wink their eyes at each other, accepting it.

For me at least, even if I read a very very realistic story, I am still aware that it is a work of fiction. I want to be immersed in that parallel world. And if real brands mentioned, it reminds me of the real real world and takes me out of the story world. I don't know if that's just me, but I see_not_ using real brandnames so much, that I assume others feel similar.

And now I'm kind of hyped for the finale!

M.A.D

Chapter:17

Sep 01, 2022

A nice "in between" chapter, moving the pieces, so to speak, to prepare for what's to come.

Speaking of: the idea to have the Lina/Emerson chat be commented like a chess game is very cute.

You still very much overuse ellipses (three dots). One dot is enough. Trust me. 😅

And suddenly, it turned into a WhatsApp commercial! 😆 Usually in fiction, you want to avoid real brands or companies and such things. On the one hand, you don't want to look like you were paid to do it ("product placement"), on the other hand, the rights owner might claim copyright infringement and sue you to hell and back if they so much as smell you making money with it. You could call it "WhensApp" or "ThatsApp" or anything like that. The readers will get it. Or invent some completely different name, but then you need to make sure to explain to the readers (again, via show rather than tell) what it is and what it is used for.

"Lovefish engine" is a great example! You already mentioned the "stockfish engine" in previous chapters. So the readers could know what "lovefish" is, even without _telling_ them directly.

Come to think of it, you could even have called it something different than "stockfish" before. Like "stockbird" for example. The people in your story would still refer to moves suggested by the "stockbird engine". Readers who know about "stockfish" would get it immediately. And those who don't would catch on quick enough. And then in this chapter you could have your spoof with the "lovebird engine" and the readers would make the right connection.

Oh and another thing: you might want to start proofreading more. That's what I wish most from your next stories. More non-dialog text, more novel-like use of punctuation and even more attention to the written words (they are good in general, but some are still a bit weird). And I think these are the best areas to focus on for you right now.

M.A.D

Chapter:16

Aug 23, 2022

To:Aziz_ahamed713

Heh, thanks. I don't even write all that much. I just read. A lot.

What I tried to emphasize with the first example is, that none of it is "spoken". It's about what the characters are thinking, what they are feeling, how they behave.

You know how they say "a picture is worth a thousand words"? In a novel, all you really have is words, but you can still "paint a picture" with them. I never wrote "Emerson is confident" or "Emerson is sure about his move". But I hope that the way I described his behaviour it is absolutely clear that he is both of these things.

And in the other example my point was that the commentators should not just say the moves. I imagine the audience can see the moves, so they don't need to be told. We as the reader need to be told what's happening, but if there is no bigger impact behind it, it can very well be just a quick list of moves. Now the commentators "job" (both inside the story and as a vehicle for you as the author to comment) is to explain to the audience and the readers what those moves _mean_. You already did that a lot in the next chapter. It's still a bit "clumsy", but I feel like you're headed in the right direction. And you will get better and better with practice.

M.A.D

Chapter:14

Aug 23, 2022

I really liked this chapter. Especially the beginning. You gave Scar some much needed characterisation. Inner monologue is (in my opinion) a big step up from external dialogue. The novel "Dune" is famous for using inner monologue a lot.

But you might want to go (much) easier on the ellipses (three dots). I know you want to emphasize the pause between each sentence, but this would work with one simple dot just as much.

Anyways... off to the final game next time, right?

M.A.D

Chapter:15

Aug 23, 2022

Scar looked at Emerson, trying to figure out what was going on in his opponents mind, when he suddenly stared back at him. Emersons friendly eyes became piercing and held contact as he touched his rook. Moving it slowly foreward. Scar was surprised; there were much better pieces to move, he thought. The rook landet on f5 and Emerson leaned back. Still staring at him. Scar looked at the board and after a few moments the realisation set in that he missed the opportunity Emerson just created for himself with that move.

Something like that, perhaps? It does not have to be that dramatic all the time. If nothing "interesting" is happening, you could also go for something like:

In quick succession they both made their first moves. First d4 Nf6, then c4 e6 and Nf3 b6.
"The queen's indian defense", Ghoss explained, "you don't see that every day."
"You certainly don't", Boss replied, intrigued by where they would go from there.

M.A.D

Chapter:14

Aug 22, 2022

The whole system of cheating is pretty well thought out as are the counter measurements. Although they were in place rather quickly.

Using direct speech almost exclusively is a style that you comitted to for this story, and I don't think it makes sense to change it now. As I understand, we are now already in the later half of the story.

I'd really like you to finish this. Finishing a story is one of the most important "lessons" for new writers. But then I also really really hope you will move on from this movie script like writing towards something that feels more like a novel.

It still feels like there is so much going on about this story in your head, that you don't show the reader. I always have to remind myself that this is (or at least started as) an idea for a manga. And again, you get the "manga talk" down well. Which is strongly influenced by japanese, which in turn is a rather indirect language. Things are rarely spelled out. Only hinted at. The one being talked to is expected to figure out what was meant. Which can be really frustrating if that person does not "get it". And it's even more frustrating as a reader of a novel. Because that's the strength of a novel! To be able to describe scenery and the people. How they feel and what they think without saying.

Take for example the finale of The Queen's Gambit (show). Nothing is spoken, yet so much is happening, so much emotion is _shown_. Now in a show, you can work with visuals and music. In a novel you have "only" words. So use them. Experiment with them. Show the reader what's in your mind instead of having your characters tell it.

M.A.D

Chapter:14

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