Sep 26, 2022
So, here we go again. 😁 I'm really happy you keep writing.
I agree with the other commenters and reiterate what I said about M.A.D: You do know how to create endearing characters and how to fill them with life and throw them into interesting situations. But again, this dialogue (or rather monologue) heavy and very script like way of writing distracts from the good things.
For example, why does the paragraph at the beginning, starting with "Hello! I'm lily rose [...]" need to be spoken? Yes, that's a pretty tropy opening in an anime, but it feels out of place in a novel.
As an author, you want to be guiding the readers into and through the wonderful world of your imagination. Right now, you're basically throwing stuff at them and expect them to pick it up. Even when it's mostly good stuff, people usually don't like it when you keep throwing at them. 😅
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The alarm forcefully pulled Lily out of her sweet dream back to reality. Her right hand smashed down on the clock on the small table next to her bed almost by itself, putting an end to the harsh noise. Her face was still buried in the blanket. But only for a few more moments. Today was the day. Today was _her_ day. May 5th, 2038. Today she turned 16. And today she will do what she practiced for months.
She pulled her pants up and got out of bed. Folded the blanket nicely and put it in a corner, then looked into the small mirror on the wall.
"Happy birthday to me!" she shouted.
On days like this, she always missed her parents a little more. They died in a car accident four years ago, but the details are murky. She's been an orphan ever since and had to learn to manage. And now she needed to get ready for school.
(and so on)