Jul 03, 2023
To:Zeddo ゼッド
I keep forgetting to check my notifications, my apologies! 😅
First of all, everything feels a little chaotic, as if you’ve tried to squeeze as much info as possible into the chapter without really knowing how to connect the dots. A lot of your sentences are just pieces of information. Creative writing can do so much more than that if you know how and I wish people had told me sooner about the flaws in my own work. Linking up those pieces of information more and connecting them with your characters and what they do, feel and think about is a very effective way to make your story a lot more interesting to read and your characters a lot more easy for the reader to interact with. We learn about Ai’s death sentence before we have any connection to her whatsoever. A reader won’t feel sad for a character they haven’t gotten invested in yet. If you just wanted to go for the shock value though, it definitely worked! :D But imagine this: The narrator follows AI as she endures one check-up after the other at the doctor’s office. The longer this stretches on, the more nervous and irritated she gets. After all, she’s supposed to be streaming later. You can fill those breaks with some information about Ai. Who she is, how she looks like, what she does for a living, why she ended up at the doctor’s office in the first place, what she feels about the whole situation etc. Maybe have her chat with one of her fellow streamers over the phone or announce a delay of her stream online.. Stuff like that. Showing her feelings makes her a lot more likable and more relatable and when the doctor comes in to tell her that she doesn’t have much time left, it’ll hit a lot harder, trust me.
I agree with the other reviewers that meeting the legends might be something better suited for another chapter, especially considering that you’re introducing them and then they’re just forgotten for a few chapters. The meeting in the office has a slightly boring feel to it and the introductions feel a little forced the way they are right now. Wouldn’t it be a lot more effective to show them while doing what they’re best at? Streaming on B-Tube? You could introduce them during their activities and only then they’re receiving the message so when the meeting takes place the viewer is already somewhat acquainted with them which also makes the emotional impact of them learning about Ai’s fate a lot more hard-hitting.
In the end, this is your story and these are just some ideas and thoughts to help you improve your writing. You don’t have to do any of these things if you’re not comfortable with them and the story as it is right now is not bad and it’s perfectly fine to keep it as it is. But trust me when I say that I wish I had learned about these things sooner :)
Technical aspects: just two little things. Watch out for tenses. Sometimes you’re mixing up past and present tense especially right at the start of the story. When your character talks about something happening right now, you use present tense. When they talk about something in the past, you use past tense. Just something to look out for, especially in later chapters when the true narrator of your story is revealed.
More importantly (and this sums up most of the things I wrote above): Show more, tell less. The narrator is a powerful tool but they shouldn’t become your main character. And your main character is more than a narrator. He’s a narrator with thoughts and feelings, a narrator who can question things and analyze a situation rather than just explaining it to the reader. Use him wisely and your story is going to skyrocket in quality.
That’s all from me, best of luck and I’ll definitely keep reading and commenting either way
👍
