Sep 11, 2021
I will say that the fight scenes are probably the best part of this story. They are detailed well, even though you pull out some abilities out of the blue.
However, I'm left a bit unsatisified. On the surface, it's a nice happy ending after all the self-hate and doubt from all the things that have been piling up within Aka. You try to build up a partially broken society that wears down on Aka over time. And in that, you do a good job.
However, I can't help but feel that some of that comes off a bit hollow. There's a lot of situations and dialogue thrown at Aka that natural lead up to this conclusion, but along the way, I felt a bit disconnected. The writing itself is a bit too straightforward, with things happening one after the other and her actions thoroughly explained as she tries to do something about it. But in between all these scenes, I'm left with a void of what actually happens within Aka. Her feelings and thoughts don't really leak out and give that needed flavor to really sympathize with her. Instead, we see those scenes through the eyes of others, explained to her by others. It takes away some of that emotion that I should be feeling.
Overall, I personally think it comes down to focus and perhaps a bit of rushing through the story. Some bits of fluff that slow down the narration and other places where it feels like you went too quick through it. Unevenness, something that plagues many stories, especially ones written in a short time frame. Still, it's clear enough what this story tells overall, so those are points left for polishing it, if you plan to take another look some point later.
The general plot of fighting through the disillusionment of what one's actions lead to is one that resonates to most audiences, so I think you do a decent job working through it. But the execution could definitely use a bit of refinement, with the latter parts really revving up (maybe even a bit too much that you skip past some needed explanation).
Anyways, that's the vibe I get from reading this. Hope you can gain something from this viewpoint.
