Sep 19, 2023
I think I might've touched on this earlier, but I feel like there's a very mechanical quality to the way you write. I keep going through the chapters, seeking some semblance of voice, but I stay seeking. A lot of the prose isn't dry, there is some spunk inserted into it, and perhaps it may be my age speaking, but it just has this stale air to it, like fruit left in the sun. Ultimately, the events are there to draw me in I suppose, but a lot of the connective tissue feels lacking. Beyond the style itself, I think the transitions are rather jerky and a lot of the descriptions follow the same pattern, to the point where whenever I see a new Capital Name, I can immediately identify that I'll be given its function, its relation to the main character, two standout features, then a vibe check. In this order, usually. Obviously, this is an exaggerated example, but I'm using it to reify the otherwise abstract notion of 'predictability.'
Ultimately, I think the writing here comes across as very subdued, almost constipated, like there's something holding it back from reaching its full breadth. There are some very interesting turns of phrases, figures of speech and prosaic techniques used within, but they just don't gel well with the rest of the narration. If anything, a lot of the time I feel like I'm reading something Sandersonian, which I think is a rather staunch mismatch with both the expectation for and the actual type of story trying to be told here. And I'm not sure that can be helped.
I realise this isn't really feedback, nor is it particularly actionable, since it's mostly me venting 'I don't understand why I don't like this' in particularly impenetrable and esoteric language. But, I'll leave you with the following tidbit as some form of guidance. I think you should genuinely not be afraid to, ironically, purple up your prose. That could very well be the missing spice to add some flavour to whatever it is that you're cooking. Otherwise, I think all I'm left to eat is some grey, formless sludge.
Bubbles, out.
