Sep 03, 2023
Beautiful.
At the beginning, I was impressed by the more superficial aspects of your story. The innovative aesthetic, centred around what could only be described as a special interest, the bittersweet nature of the main character, a widower, the kind relationships he could foster, somewhat uncharacteristically fast. But, by the end of this I was left with something more – namely, emotional depth.
There are a lot of feelings packed into this story. Remorse, grief, apprehension, self-denial, negatives countered by, cliched as it may sound, friendship, compassion and love. And the way they are woven, not all verbose, but all very clear, speaks volumes about the tapestry you've chosen to create.
Naturally, there are some caveats here. By far, the ending, whilst spiritually conclusive with Mitsu receiving his much (un)needed closure, is not really satisfying. You've more or less slotted into a 3-act structure, but there was no 2nd conflict to actually ferry us into a finale, leaving the ending somewhat up in the air. Pairing that with how Amber and Mitsu only had 25k to kindle any sort of romance between them, and the staying power – alongside some suspension of disbelief – feels a little lacking. If we take it at brass tacks, two 30 year olds (so the horny teenager excuse can't be invoked) fall in love in what seems to be a matter of weeks, a love so profound that they're sort of already presupposing the marriage. Which is cool and all, don't get me wrong, it works. But it works in the same way a car works after you turn the key in the ignition ten times, only for the engine to sputter to and out of life. Obviously, given your circumstances this is more than a valiant effort, but suffice it to say a story with these many threads would've benefited from a lot more breadth; or perhaps a more hyperfocused direction, akin to that of a novella.
To that end, I wonder if the story wouldn't have worked better if, you know, we weren't given much of the initial context. If we came into it with Amber and Mitsu sort of journeying across Ferris, two pals with a mystery each behind them and love simmering between them. The timeframe would've mattered less, the slice of life moments could've been used to pepper backstories on either sides and, really, the only thing that would've need to be cut is Ren. Mitsu could still have his hang-ups because of his past life and passed wife, Amber could still be reticent towards her own feelings because of the air of utility hovering around their relationship, and the wonderful world you've built could've been largely the same. Naturally, just a suggestion to feed your thoughts on a potential rewrite. Though if or when that happens the best way would probably be to bloat the content you already have.
Speaking of bloating, there's an element of your prose that would be worth touching on. It doesn't overstay, nor understay its welcome, leaving it as airy as a summer's breeze, which my tired brain really likes – makes it chewable. The only caveat is that the quality varies wildly between different endeavours, to the point where it's very clear where your style suits what you're writing and where it doesn't. The whole dance sequence is one such example, another would be chapter 16, where the prose really fails to keep me captivated throughout a more-or-less literal fluff piece. This is obviously a nitpick, but I guess it's important to highlight areas to improve upon, especially since dynamic and filler scenes are something you will inevitably have to write more of and they are more often than not make or break.
So yeah, that's all. Tell the bees I said hi and to give you my number.
Bubbles, out.
