Sep 10, 2021
Hiho.
This was an interesting start to a story. I like the way you've structured the levelling system. It's quite a nice change of pace to have the Satyrs, usually seen as good-natured and kindhearted spirits to be in charge of something so evil and heinous.
Roman is quite the character. I'm wondering what has been stirred inside of him. Is it something that we will find out in a later chapter? If so, it might benefit you to at least sprinkle in some information about it. Maybe he felt a bit conflicted? Maybe he felt like he has been a bit spiky and repelling towards people and he feels sorry? It would be better if, in the future, you would try to expand a bit more on the inner monologue and feelings of characters. Otherwise, it might come across as a little bit bland and might leave the reader a bit confused.
The passage of time is also something that could be expanded upon. For instance, in the brief respite between battles and confrontations, you just say how 'days pass'. But it would be nicer if you could include something that summarises what happened in-between. The training, perhaps, you could detail what happens then? Does he just go around cracking rocks like he's Goku? Does he train for speed, running laps around the river? These kinds of details could help ground the story a bit more and help describe the characters a bit more, indirectly. For example, he could be branded a musclehead, for focusing only on strength. He could be somewhat sly, if he trains speed, agility and stealth. These tiny indications are easily picked up by the reader and make for a more human character.
As for the fight with the Croco. It doesn't bode well for the first fight in your novel to be a summary. You would want the reader to be engrossed and be engaged. So why not give them what they desire from the get-go? It makes it a lot more entertaining if we see some punches thrown. Maybe he's a OPM type of character? Maybe he has a certain tactic he employs. Maybe he's just new to fighting. Someone's actions speak louder than words and it doesn't help depriving us, readers, of whatever we can gauge just by seeing things unfurl.
As for the dialogues. For the most part, they are fine, but there is a certain thing about them; a lot of the time the characters seem to just state everything and the cause of it. Exposition through dialogue is okay, but needs to be done in moderation and, usually, in a unique manner otherwise it might come across as a bit stale. It is also important to note that what's being said is being consistent. There were a lot of changes during the conversation. The chief seem to just beckon and rebuff Roman several times with nothing really making his change of mind clear. Terry went from being snotty to being a know-it-all, to ultimately coming to care for him. It's important to keep in mind a sense of realism and continuity. And try not to have the attitudes of the characters be so wavering.
I hope this helps and I hope you also don't take anything with ill-will. All I wanted was to give some pointers. Have a good one.
Bubbles, out. :3
