Bubbles

Bubbles

I'm Bubbles.

Currently on hiatus.

registered at: Aug 13, 2020
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    Published Novel Level 2
    Published Chapter Level 6
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    Participant - MAL x Honeyfeed Writing Contest 2021
    Finalist - MAL x Honeyfeed Writing Contest 2022
    Participant - MAL x Honeyfeed Writing Contest 2023

    Sep 17, 2021

    So, couple of things.

    I'm not sure why we need her to exposit her entire morning routine like she's doing a YouTube video. This amount of detail doesn't really bring anything to the table, it's just words strung together. In a similar note, overdescribing certain things (when the tree fell, the hand clenching her 'aorta'? - I know what it is before you try explaining it) can certainly take the value of what's happening. Less is more in many regards, and here is one of those.

    Some of the elements are really becoming hit or miss with me and I'm hoping they don't bunch up too hard. Primarily, they boil down to very minute slip-ups in style. In the past chapter the narrator suddenly started using subjectivity marks, even though it was clearly an omniscient objective one so far. Grammar slips up into ESL territory and same for vocabulary usage. Tiny things like these sort of add up.

    The dream sequence was nice, I realised it was one before the whole shebang with the dark hand and corruption and what-not. For one, I believe it to be very interesting that she falls asleep in an instant and goes full nightmare. Must be quite a terrifying event for her to be crowned as the 'best villain' of the bunch. I'm curious where this will lead.

    Is Rose a she or a he? Swear to God the pronouns changed partway through, then restored so I'm not sure.

    As for her leaving, erm... Questionable. I have absolutely no clue why she did that, but let's just give you the benefit of the doubt for now.

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    Otomaho: Who Said an Adult Can No Longer Be a Magical Girl?!
    Chapter:4

    Sep 17, 2021

    Aaaaand I'm lost.

    Suspension of disbelief notwithstanding, I'm absolutely flabbergasted at what put this all in motion. Karin being apprehensive about locking up someone for petty theft? I mean, I get it, straying from the norm of the cliche, but come on... I would've understood if it was precisely the thing she was most worried about: material damage to property that left people in debt or something. But not locking someone up, come on. Sure, being forced to commit some trite evil deed shouldn't be punishable by such an extent, but is this really the hill this story will rest on...?

    Some minor things, 'vice' is a noun. I think the adjective you're looking for is 'vicious', a 'vicious grip'. A vice grip makes me think she's struggling with an MDMA addiction. Also, quite a unique way of formatting thoughts. Usually they're italics, 'quotes' are reserved for dialogue. Then again, Ulysses exists, so...

    I'm pretty sure that Rose's transformation just makes everyone around them be extreeeemely lustful. There, I said it. Also, Xi'er is literally batman. If his powers are dark or rely on sadness, I'm just gonna call him Br'uce from then on. Not to say that I like it. Snarkiness is my way of appreciating stuff.

    The most unbelievable thing is that she was working a dead-end job, but could afford a home gym with a leg press and a weight rack. Couldn't splurge a little on the punching bag, it's only 70 bucks. The leg press was more than $1k.

    Bubbles, out. :3

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    Otomaho: Who Said an Adult Can No Longer Be a Magical Girl?!
    Chapter:3

    Sep 17, 2021

    God damn, Karin here trying to save the woman from being isekai'd. You don't do that, Karin. What if she was a NEET ready to hop into a power fantasy trip?

    This chapter kind of lost the oomph of the first one. We see her life as Magical Aka get a bit of exposition (more or less clumsy) about her powers and how much of a goody two-shoes she is. Her anger management is apparently a problem, though I would've chalked it up to being stress not some form of rage bubbling inside of her as Grace put it. We have something at the beginning foreshadowing what I can only assume is the overarching plot here and then a bit of suspense at the end. The problem with this is, if my haphazard comment wasn't indication enough, is that, to me, it feels like these are just elements that are being put together in five different scenes that can be loosely tied into a narrative. But this 'loose' tie is irksome. Actions don't flow very well from one point to another, they lack the fluency and connectedness you'd expect from a story like this. Might be the 'write a story easily adaptable to manga' criterium, but this just doesn't do it for me.

    I like the whole array of magical girl powers. I'm not a connoisseur or anything on the matter, but it feels like a nice change of pace to the typical 'superhero' doctrine the other mahou shoujo seem to follow. Plus she's basically Clark Kent and Flash all in one. Neato.

    That manager is such a caricature, I can't help but love him. He reminds me of every facebook story ever. It's weird how some of those manage to be even more ridiculous than this guy... Anyway, not that it's a detractor, I actually love him. The pastiche is delicious. :3

    Grace is a troublemaker? I had no clue until I was told that. I also had no clue that Karin was such an obvious anger therapy case until I was also told that. See where I'm heading? It's a lot of telling that could've been simply missed or reordered. We could've been introduced to her reaction on her nametag then Grace could've confirmed it was something ongoing, keeping the rhythm flowing. Anyway, that's just how I'd do it, not how it should be done. Two cents added and lost.

    Bubbles, out. :3

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    Otomaho: Who Said an Adult Can No Longer Be a Magical Girl?!
    Chapter:2

    Sep 17, 2021

    Hiho.

    What we seem to be having here is a retiree Mahou Shoujo. Pretty neat concept in practice and the execution doesn't leave too much to be desired either.

    Karin is a very interesting main character, primarily due to her 'secret identity' and her mundane and strangely unassuming real life persona. Quite unbecoming for someone who possesses a tonne of mystical powers that they can't wait to dish out whenever a damsel is in distress. It really speaks to a very subtle Clark Kent vibe. The justice sense in her is always tingling. Apart from that, her inner monologue is very captivating, showing a lot of conflict about whatever she might be revealing to any vigilant onlooker and the dialogue she has, particularly with Calice and the overtly self-confident speed dater are quite amusing, rom-com pastiche and all.

    At the end of the day, if I were to put my finger on something I don't like is how muted everything sounds. Every piece is put into place, but whether by design or by accident, none of them are particularly attractive to me. There's nothing that's 'in your face' gripping, even though some moments come close to it. (The conversation with Calice comes to mind). It's not a hard story to get invested in, given the premise and the fact that this is far from average writing in these here parts, but it lacks that pizzazz anime and webnovels in general are abundant of.

    A smaller gripe would be the fact that I feel like the 'setup' is a little bit too much. Some scenes feel kind of prolonged (the first one for instance, albeit with the meaning of trying to showcase some of the more lackluster aspects of her life), others feel like they're not even warranting a scene break. The skips kind of make it a bit disheveled to me.

    Anywhozzles, I'm just going to wait and see where the wind blows. I've got the exposition jotted down, it's time for the intrigue. Wonder what that is. I hope she's been spotted or something. #YouTube.

    Bubbles, out. :3

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    1
    Otomaho: Who Said an Adult Can No Longer Be a Magical Girl?!
    Chapter:1

    Sep 16, 2021

    Aight, this is my stopping point.

    I'm probably a philistine, some mongrel or any other kind of denomination of smooth brainness and lacking intelligence, but I legitimately cannot get behind anything you're laying down, my guy. There's some deep philosophical meaning masked under the scent of day-old faeces and ejaculate that I'm missing, I can smell it, but I can't taste it. I need another beer.

    The characters are cool and all, I guess. Uncle's nice, Enteng is nice, Joey is Salads, Enang is my favourite. She seems the least absurd out of all of them, so that's probably why I relate to her the most. There seems to be some overarching element of trauma and dismay lingering in this postapocalytpic, coke-fueled Mad Max world and the introspection of the characters is probably second to no crack addict's, and I guess it's what held me in for so long.

    The language? Brilliant. I can recognise its ingenuity, I can relate to how clever, jarring, visual, imagistic (bordering on Hemingwayan) and vibrant everything is. I just can't stomach more than five mentions of shit, cum, piss, balls, dick, pussy and fuck in a chapter. I hope you understand.

    As for the plot, by God, I don't get it. I'm assuming George will become some PC MasterRace deity by the end of the novel, Enteng will sleep forever, Enang will grow the balls she's missing, Uncle will become Captain Underpants 2.0 and Joey will acquire an Adam's apple and some oestrogen to go with him.

    That's all I can say. Best of luck, Commander Gurguit. God knows I wanted more of you, but He gave me too little skills to work with what you offered.

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    1
    Jorj Cover Updated
    Zero.
    Chapter:20






    Sep 16, 2021

    Aight, I gotta go to work soon, so I'm probably stopping here.

    I'll just echo znf's thoughts on me not being good with comedy, more so with absurdism and... whatever brand of turbo-adrenaline, Monster Energy drink-fueled, LSD-taking, piss-having, woman-respecting fiction this is. For the most part, the reason why I'm sticking around isn't the comedy, which is mostly beats at my walls but doesn't stick, rather it's the belief that, at some point, there will be some modicum of understanding to what I'm reading. And, as the beginning of this chapter foreshadows, some less zany and lackadaisical moments.

    Fighting scenes are chef's kiss. Very nice, very to the point, run-on sentences practically don't exist, they're just long. It reminds me of a certain author who died a nice death by his own hands in an isolated cottage. I hope he didn't have a cactus. The writing style is all over the place, by design, of course, but that's probably why everyone likes it. It just works, like Flex Tape and Flex Seal Liquid. It ties things together in a very imagistic way that screams Big Mouth humour to me. If only the tenses were proper and didn't make me question the narrator at every time.

    For the most part, the issue I have with the characters is that they're all the same. Whatever line you put in Joey, Enteng, Enang, Uncle or the Monster Clapper's mouth, it'd work equally well with the rest. 10 chapters in, they're just blank slates to me. I'm just imagining them as various cartoons to help fill in the mannequins. I guess that's the purpose of it, but when everyone's just a meme brought to life in different shapes, it kind of fails to give me some of that comedic satisfaction.

    I'mma just wait for cactus boobs to show up. And maybe Tabu to clap some taboo cheeks. Until then, I'm hungry.

    Bubbles, out. :3

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    Jorj Cover Updated
    Zero.
    Chapter:10



    Sep 16, 2021

    'I met God. He was hot.' Bitch, I built God, let's talk.

    My shitposting comments notwithstanding, it's time for Bubs to get to the real nitty gritty here. I've read the synopsis. 'twas fun, I felt my brain momentarily go to three different quantum states then snap back, now the size of a nickle and smooth as an oiled cactus.

    What's happening in this novel? Six chapters in and all I can know for sure is that Entang is gay for xerophile organisms and any sort of instant noodles, Enang is the straight girl and Uncle is constantly dag-nabitting, probably. I'm assuming this is supposed to be some absurdist progression through some maddening experience and I'm here presented with thoughts from a mind that's one Budweiser away from declaring war on flip-flops. At some point, though, I'm left to wonder if the narrator has also been isekai-ed with them. Feels like they're their own character as well, whilst still retaining an interesting matter-of-factness approach to the whole spiel.

    The lack of tagging at times is a bit confusing, because Enang is sometimes serious, sometimes Uncle, sometimes Enteng in terms of personality. I've also had trouble deciphering who spoke here quite a lot for the same reason. I assume that if it's made clear who speaks first, the rest would come natural from their established personalities. But, for now, I'm dumbfounded, woop. Cactus boobs.

    Also, Enteng's newfound strategy reminds me of Mr Garrison's election campaign. That's it. I sip tea.

    Bubbles, out. :3

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    Jorj Cover Updated
    Zero.
    Chapter:6