Jun 08, 2022
Yo.
I didn't read the non-short version, so this is my first experience reading GEP. I can see the appeal behind it. You have a way of leaving the reader engaged in wanting to know what happens next, which was what happened to me. Like, I genuinely want to know why everyone is so mean to Darren and how he ended up in his situation. It's addicting.
I was also really caught off-guard by the style. I've heard others say that GEP has a very LN style, but imo I don't think it is. From the LNs I've read, esp those told in first-person POVs, the voice tends to be very neutral, in the sense that thoughts and sentences are crafted in a way that's very "general" (All the things that happen around the MC is communicated to the reader).
But here, the voice is skewed very heavily towards the MC's thoughts, to the point that 4th wall breaking (addressing you, dear reader, directly) is prevalent and there is a significant lack of mise en scene, to which I feel actually works in the story's favour. IMO, Darren's thoughts which border on neuroticism and how it contrasts with the other characters' behaviour is really strong, so by laser-focusing on this strength and not having to go into detail about the surroundings makes the story really stand out in terms of writing.
But on that note, be prepared to provide a lot of details and info to Manami if you're getting adapted, Super 😉
Aaaaanyways, if there's something I have to nitpick, it'll be the formatting. Maybe this is my fault, since all I read are translated LNs where information is delivered in a very clear direct manner, coz I found myself getting lost a few times on whether a particular line is Darren's thoughts or something that was said. This happened a few times when the line is italicised during a dialogue.
In this chapter, I wasn't sure if these lines were Darren's thoughts or something that was actually said by the characters:
You can’t just joke this way.
Jiwoo was trying to tell you something.
Because I’m not allowed to tell you anything.
Maybe I'm stupid, but I was pretty confused, coz these lines sound like Shelly might have said it, but it also might be Darren's thoughts. But yea, this is just me trying to offer some level of feedback so that I don't sound too disingenuous praising this well written story. It's really good and I'm glad that I just went on a whim and decided to read your story, Super. All the best for the contest.
