Jun 29, 2023
Whew! It took a while, but I've finally reached the end of the railway (so far) xD
You say it's your first time writing a novel in English. Wow. While the flow in your sentences may be a bit weird at times, it was very readable. It's good that you took your time describing things. As a fellow writer, I could see how you pictured the world you were creating. And there's a certain charm to it. With that vibe of loneliness and railways, I think you have a really solid idea of what you're trying to tell as a creator, and I respect that.
Also, your strength IMO is in the drama you create between your characters. This really sticks out in the past few chapters. Hiraya and Yai have grown on me, and I felt for them at times.
Personally, where I think you can improve on more is in terms of character motivation. Yeah, Tetsu is rather stoic and is a loner, which you captured very well. It's just that the story lost me at times, because I'm left wondering like, "why is Tetsu doing this?" Like, quite a fair bit of the chapters were just Tetsu and Yai just doing things. That's fine and all, but I'm left wondering, "why?" So I feel it's important to have a bit more motivation in your characters, or it'll feel like characters are just doing activities, but it doesn't really progress the story since we don't know what makes them personally invested in their activities beyond just the story telling them to do so.
Nevertheless, this is a great attempt for a first-time writer! You're definitely better than some of the "regulars" I've seen on other sites (not gonna name them xD). So yeah, I could definitely resonate with your vision as a creator, and despite its flaws, On The Railway Wire is actually pretty cool!
Kipidap 💪🏻
