Jun 15, 2023
Hey Pernodi, I'm impressed that this is your first story! It actually feels really similar to my first one, too (and it won 2nd place in the first MAL x HF contest 🤭). I think you have a clear idea in terms of direction and where to go.
Oliver and Chiyo's interactions are great, plus, the whole story is basically about them being chased. With her existence being taboo, there are so much more stuff that we can unpack and explore, I'm getting giddy thinking about all the kinds of directions you can take with the story!
One thing I feel you should keep in mind for later chapters, is to bump up the stakes. Essentially, the whole world (afaik) wants Chiyo dead, so the tension could really be amplified. Imo, right now the tone feels like a journey of sorts, with Oliver and Chiyo exploring as they go, when I feel it'll be more appropriate if it's a desperate struggle just to survive.
So for example, re-reading the Verus fight scene, while it lands as a fight scene (and a way to introduce the audience to Chiyo's abilities) I think it's a missed opportunity to really REALLY test Oliver's resolve to see this through. Make him get roughed up some more, doubt himself a bit, briefly lose faith in even Chiyo even, but stick it through. That way, we'll be a lot more emotionally invested in the characters. You should try pushing Oliver and Chiyo a lot harder, the audience will be more invested to see them overcoming bigger obstacles and growing together.
So yeah, if you could raise the stakes, raise the tension, you'll find it easier to get Oliver and Chiyo to lean more towards each other and have their romance blossom. Two birds with one stone. Hope you don't mind my long feedback, I happen to consider the nature/approach of your story to be exactly my specialty lol. Kipidap 💪🏻
