Nov 04, 2023
So this obviously underwent some revision based on a previous comment from today. I don't know how close we are to the deadline, but we are close, so you might not want to edit this any more. The rules say you can't edit after the deadline.
Personally, I wasn't too bothered by the formatting. I wouldn't center paragraphs like that, but I've seen some other flash fiction that does it.
However, it's a little unclear to me what happened to Chizuru. Did she die? Did she leave the MC? Did the MC leave her, because she found her to dazzling? Or was Chizuru never real to begin with? I guess that's the part that's supposed to be up to the reader's interpretation?
Two smaller notes:
1. I don't think "approached me" is really the proper way to talk about an eye condition. I might go with "I came down with an eye condition" or something like that instead.
2. I'm not quite sure what you meant by "dying storage".
Other than that, given what Bubbles said, it does appear you improved the story. I don't know how much, since I didn't see the previous version myself.
In the ending, I could definitely see the path the MC went on, destroying their precious memories as they destroyed themselves.
Congrats on finishing something for the contest, and best of luck with judging.
