Jul 14, 2021
Just saw your post on discord so I gave your story a read to try and offer some critique.
Sometimes your prose sounds strange, just odd phrasings or missing words. There are a lot of sentences where a small word like 'a', 'an, or 'the', is missing and it makes them sound a bit strange. The sentences make sense it's just they sound a bit off.
If English isn't your first language then it might be a bit tricky to fix that but you could try getting someone to go over it and just change words here and there to make things sound more natural.
Another thing is that your paragraphs are absolutely huge, they're quite intimidating at first glance, it makes them a bit harder to read and also means there isn't a good place for someone to bookmark and come back to your work later if they wanted to.
I would be splitting these up into a lot of smaller paragraphs if it were me and there's already a lot of places within them that make sense to split at.
There's also a bit of an issue with exposition, characters doing a bit of 'as you should already know' as a means of getting info across to the audience. It makes me switch off instantly and I think the information conveyed through this method could definitely be explained in a way that doesn't come acroos like this.
One thing I do like is the world building at parts. The idea of spacetime as an element or the fact Arsenio has never seen other forms of architecture are intriguing and don't feel forced into the readers face. I'd love to see more of that in another version of that.
I hope that some of this was helpful to you, sorry if it wasn't!
