Sep 21, 2021
To:GespenstJaeger
Okay, regarding physical descriptions, don't discipline readers. You can make them 'see' a character with a lot less physical description. If you want to remind readers what a character looks like, bring it up as a subject in action dialogue. For example, in my novel, there's a character called Puck who is short; over the course of the story, she's picked up by someone bigger than her early in the story, called 'midget', called 'runt', and even nicknamed Puck for being as little as a hockey puck, and she displays Short Man's Syndrome: being angry and agressive to make up for the fact that she's small. Do you see what I'm talking about here.
When I say the dialogue is wooden, I mean everything is said matter-of-factly as though said by robots. Everything is right to the point, spartan.
'I apologise for being late,' Ganji said.
'It's alright,' Vos replied. 'I already talked with the others. We've all accepted but we can change our minds if you disagree.'
'What's the job offer?'
'We're to assist the Middle Eastern League in delivering weapons.'
'Where will the weapons go?'
'That we don't know,' Mirzoyan answered. 'I can imagine they will not tell us lest we accept the offer and go to see them.'
There are no speech ticks, slang, indication of mood, indication of the relationship between the characters, asides, jokes, etc. In this kind of mercenary life genre, it should be something a little more like this.
'Apologies for my lateness,' Ganji said. 'I was--'
'Shut up,' said Vos. 'I already talked with the others. We're all on board with the contract, but we can one-eighty if you're chicken shit.'
'What's the contract?'
'We're helping the good old boys at the Middle Eastern League deliver a fresh batch of anti-mecha cannons to some lucky third world shithole.'
'Where exactly?'
Mirzoyan shrugged. 'That we don't know, my dear boy. The MEL are being oddly cagey about the whole thing. General Bakir has assured me that all will be revealed once we accept the job and rendevous in Riyadh.'
So you see how I'm telling you little things about the character through the dialogue? Ganji is polite, straightfoward, and mission oriented (I'm trying to make out he's a Japanese young man too), Vos is rude, sneering, prone to slang, and holds third world countries in contempt (I'm trying to make out he's an American young man), and Mirzoyan is well spoken, well connected in the mercenary world, and older than Ganji (I'm trying to make out he's an English old man).
I'm not sure if English is your first language or not, but in either case, I'd advise you to read and write more English prose, and you'll quickly improve on this front.
Yeah, Puck ending up a girl was one of the best descisions I made early on.
