Sep 19, 2021
This comment is meant to serve as a review:
I'm happy this story has a seemingly happy conclusion. The drama arc of the shooting was probably the best part of the story. However, I really feel this story missed out on its potential, particularly on 2 crucial themes that would have really have enriched the story
1. Chloe explicitly rejecting Mark: It's implied that Mark learned the truth, but I think Chloe and the emotions of having to break the bad news of rejecting Mark (and how that affected Mark) would have been a powerful contribution to the story. It's probably the single biggest disappointment that this was not covered in the story, especially for those who may have been rooting for the Chloe-Mark pairing.
2. Mai's trauma: Given that Mai has quite a lot of psychological issues (lonely, no friends other than Chloe, trauma at the death of her parents, phobia of hospitals, not to mention her trauma of surviving a gun shot wound), it felt like her issues were mentioned, but it didn't come off that way in her interactions. She just came off as just a shy (yet assertive girl) rather than someone with a ton of emotional issues to get through. Such a character is actually difficult to write, but I highly recommend to have a psychologist or counselor who is aware of such individuals review her character to give perspective to make her realistic. I think exploring a relationship with such a person and unpacking her issues would have made this story far more enriching (since most people are afraid of such people) and Mark's character is one of the few who could be compatible
Minor other things: Some dialogue tags felt awkward. It might be better to play with the word formatting to better express like CAPS for anger, or dashes for nervousness
The author seems to have a shoulder rub fetish. I don't think I've ever seen a story with as much shoulder rubbing as this one. Family is one thing, but shoulder pats, a pat on the back would work better for some moments and save shoulder rubs for intimacy moments.
What I would be curious about in V2: (I'm actually okay with a time-skip if the author finds that easier to work with)
1. How does Alexa cope with the loss and move on? Mark and Damien are adults and have anchors, but Alexa is probably in a bind
2. How does the Reyes family get their finances in order to keep living. It's not easy for young adults to get back on their feet, especially since the family savings were likely used up for the funeral and living expenses
3. Chloe's background: I'm chalking it up to from a wealthy/well off family since no job is mentioned, but given she has spent so much time/live alone is estranged and/or her parents divorced and one remarried so she left.
