Momentie / Comments

Momentie

Hi there,
This is the former home of my fiction - Unfortunately from drama, to a lack of innovation - To bugs that made the site unusable to me - My books are no longer being hosted here on here.

This in mind I'm leaving this note here to let people with an interest know you can find all my works in updated versions over on RoyalRoad & ScribbleHub - With plans for other releases yet to come.

For more info you can check out the final chapters of either 'UnderCurrent' or 'The Girl He Used to Know' - Which both depict my odd journey with this website😅.
HoneyFeed had its merits, it got me some feedback & I made some good friends here - But it is in effect the training wheels of web-noveling sites - If you are even slightly serious about your art or simply want a website that will teach you proper formatting & has an actual userbase - Then do yourself a favour, take off the training wheels & seek out the website that is right for you😊.

Best Regards,
-Momentie

registered at: Oct 14, 2021

Roles

Author

Badge

bronze

What is Badge?

Achievement

What is an Achievement?

Report this user

Novels

Gallery

Comments

Reviews

aaa

Nov 22, 2021

Hmmm, I'd reduce your cap lock, it the sort of tool that's best reserved for single word impact (usually coupled with onomatapeic words - 'THUD').

When used with dialogue it can be tricky to get rigth, for example I'm completely lost on what the manager sounds like. Initially I though she was a quiet mousy women but after her first few lines in this she sounds completly different, in large part because of the overuse of cap lock.

Similarly when the brother calls for her it creates dissonance, in that the cap locking makes it urgent but his actual line is way to flat. "sis I could use your help down here if you are done" - it's just so blasie (reminds me of the anakin and obi figth dailogue from the star wars prequels, but I digress).

Ideally you want the actually prose to convey the urgency, not the capitals.

"D-dam-- a..gh, Mana! Ma-mana?! Sis come quickly!"
(Not a great example but ya get what I mean😅😅)

Only a small thing but still worth keeping in mind, I think describing the tone of her voice would be a more effective route👍👍.

The Aftermath of the Magic Apocalypse

Chapter:11

Nov 22, 2021

To:Workaholic

Glad to of helped some small bit😊👍.

You mention rewrite a few times and of course whatever method you find most comfortable is best but I'd encourage you to simply keep writing for now.

Your book works in volumes which gives you easy stoping points so personally at least I'd finish your first volume before any re-writes, maybe keeping a to do list of stuff to focus on for your second draft😊.

Good luck😎👍.

The Aftermath of the Magic Apocalypse

Chapter:10

Nov 21, 2021

To:Deleted User

Thanks, I'm glad you liked it😊😊.

Also someone did mention the spelling thing before, I think my auto correct is set wrong😂😂, I shall have to investigate. Thanks for the heads up😎👍.

Former Exclusive Home of 'UnderCurrent - Can You Break The Cycle' - Now available of Royal-Road and Scribble-Hub

Chapter:0

Nov 18, 2021

Not sure if you saw my previous two comments, if so then apologies if they came across as too harsh.

Not much different to say on these last couple of chapters, if anything your dialouge is steadily growing to be more natural which is nice to see, I'm sure by the books end it will be on a whole other level😊👍.

One thing that would help (and apologies if I've already said this elsewhere) is your variety of words;
Your vocabulary is clearly large no doubth, but fairly frequently you'll repeat the same word 3+ times in a paragraph or even single sentence.
A small thing but something to be mindful of as a way to add a little polish to your work😉👍.

The Aftermath of the Magic Apocalypse

Chapter:10

Nov 18, 2021

To:Scott

No worries😊.

I get what you mean about Anno but I think the key is not to let your audience form a pattern - With a space based story, gundam profile pic and mylitple names it becomes to obvious ya know?
A name is the first part of our identity a reader sees, often even more so then appears, so if the name is simply a reference(espically early on before the characters have time to shine) then it becomes hard for your reader to see them as anything other then a reference 😂.
But again I totally understand what you mean😊.

Ah ok cool I see, that is what I suspected. I'd maybe in future drafts try and foreshadow that a little but I'll look foward to seeing it come to fruition 👍👍.

Arc Incidents

Chapter:2

Nov 17, 2021

A few things strike me in this chapter though I'll need to read more before I can give any real conclusions.

1. You have alot of gundam names dont ya😂😂, don't get me wrong coming up with names sucks but sometimes it can be fun to be more subtle with a reference.
In my own novel there's a character who homages/parody's Char Aznable/Lt.Quartro from "Zeta Gundam" as such I named him 'Commander.Ceather' - as a simple nod and easy way to come up with a name but without being too obvious.

2. Aside from that I think I mentioned it on the prior chapter but the way your protag acts feels to me atleast, a bit off.

Now that migth be totally intentional on your part but so far she just seems hopeless? Like I love a good officer who happens to be a cluts but Miss.Charlotte seems so incompetent and inexperienced that it's hard to believe she got promoted or earned the respect of her current crew without suspension of disbelief.

It doesn't help that she has 0 confidence and spends more time in plain cloughs then uniform.

It migth help to give something like 'Martian Successor Nadesco' or 'Full Metal Panic' a watch to see how other authers have written the classic 'Anime-Waifu-Clumsy-Lacking-in-confidence' troop. Usually their endearing (excuses the outdated term) 'girlness' is contrasted by them being highly intellectual or when under pressure really damn good at their jobs - with there introductions often showing us there hard earned proffesionalism first, followed by their more 'moe' side second.

Hopefully none of that sounds too harsh, keep up the good work😊👍.

Arc Incidents

Chapter:2

Nov 17, 2021

I agree with @ALTaccounti it's not that I have a problem with it but why so young? With 15/16 not of been more practical and the general anime standard?

Other then that more intriguing stuff and having the princess be the target is a great way to keep things moving without mass exposition😊👍.

Rising of the Elf Queen

Chapter:2

Nov 17, 2021

Now this is my kind of story, hate to admit it but I've always been a sucker for knigthly warriors figthing a good war story.

Certainly a strong opening chapter, a good length, great delivery of information in a natural way and you conveyed the premise efficiently and matching the books description.

Aside from a few typos here and there, I'm excited to read more😎😊👍.

Rising of the Elf Queen

Chapter:1

Nov 16, 2021

Oh wow, had a quick look at your profile and boy have you alot ongoing😅😅.

This seems like another interesting premise, not sure it's overly suited to be a Prologue, it feels more like the blurb of the book or maybe an appendix entry at the back.
Still you've peaked my interest for a second time today😊👍.

Also @TokyoFox250 I also quite like strawberry panic😊👍.

The Grand Revolution Of War!

Chapter:0

Nov 16, 2021

To:ARRivera960

Having read the first chapter now and I like it, fairly short opener with a nice amount of descriptives and a whole lot of intrigue. I'll definitely be having a look at the rest, also love the cover art😉😉

Primal Saga Vol 1: The Queen of Silence

Chapter:0

Nov 16, 2021

Haven't read it yet (I will soon😉) but just had to say 'dinosaur isekai' is the best prompt I've heard in ages😂😂😁😁

Primal Saga Vol 1: The Queen of Silence

Chapter:0

Nov 16, 2021

Definitely an interesting opener.

The way your describe the girls interacting gives them all a great voice, however they could really do with more physical description before the battle begins as to make the figth clearer in the reader mind. Also over using cap lock lessens its value😉.

Certainly good fun.

Magical Girls Might Be Psychopaths: The Garden Of Sinners

Chapter:0

Nov 12, 2021

To:Ochroleucous

Oh and if you have free time, definitely give Grimgar a watch (or read, their great books). I would suggest it to be a contender for the best isekai, up their with the best of them😎👍.

The Nonpareil of Resh (Act 1)

Chapter:33

Nov 12, 2021

To:Ochroleucous

Well Rome wasn't built in a day, so I wouldn't worry to much, you seem to produce the series at a steady rate and as long as you know where it's going and keep up that rate, I'm sure you'll get to the deeper elements before ya know it😊👍.

The Nonpareil of Resh (Act 1)

Chapter:33

Nov 12, 2021

@Euphemia gives a good breakdown of this chapter and I think she also expresses some of what I alluded to in my previous comment (about the use of first person), much better then I did.

Aside from that I'd again suggest talking the time to sit or walk etc and just think about the voices the character have in your head.

Speak aloud your dialouge if you can, consider regional accents or visual habits that are linked to how someone talks.

'when I'm grown up' that's fine, "when I'm an adult like you in three years time", that's a painful line that no-one would ever say and doesn't scan well😅.

So ya again apologies if in any of these comments I sound harsh but try simplify and streamline your dialoge to be less information laden and more natural, always ask yourself 'would anyone actually say this given the context'😊👍.

The Aftermath of the Magic Apocalypse

Chapter:7