Sep 04, 2022
Within the first four chapters, I can immediately see and appreciate the strongest element of your story: you don't waste your words telling the reader everything they should know, but rather, feed it to them piecemeal through the interactions of the characters and their environments. Something I often see in other-worldly stories is the tendency for writers to spew out as much information as fast as possible to the reader so that the events can immediately come after. Personally though, I prefer your way of delivering information, and in fact ,find it advantageous as a contest entry in doing so. If one of your goals is to be adapted into a manga, then keeping narration dynamic with supplying the reader with information is essential.
In regards to characters, this is especially evident with Iris. Granted, she's likely the protagonist (or one of them) so far, but it's worth noting how within the first few chapters, we already know some essential info about her, without anyone having to give a lecture or monologue on it. The best example is when her and Georgie are at the Ancestry Hall in Chapter 1. The way the receptionist reacts to Iris's presence and curtly tells her it's because of your mother that Iris gets special treatment to go inside, we know there's a strong possibility Iris may be living in the shadow of her mother's achievements. This would play very well with how she may have a quiet inferiority complex, as she has notably compared her grades/academic performance to Georgie's. On top of that, it's really clever that you built up that scene on Iris forgetting her campus ID, while concluding it with the receptionist handing Iris paper notes that she "shoves DEEP into her pockets." In one brief moment, you've summed up a significant portion of Iris's character, all the while moving the plot forward in a natural way.
In regards to your environments, there's an interesting effect your story has that I've never really stopped to consider when reading: each scene has a "color" in my head. Iris in class is surrounded by a white chrome. In her room, it's dark. Alex with Lukas are surrounded by a burgundy. I think the best way to explain it, is that you've established a clear "vibe", which consistently matches with where the plot goes for particular scenes. As I said earlier, an important element if you really are aiming for that manga adaptation.
Overall, I'm glad to be reading this so far. There are some really good lines in here that made me pause to appreciate them, with my current favorite one being: "They came from money, not from kindness" in this chapter. Lines like these are such a fresh breath of air and say so much in so little.
I look forward to continuing this later, but otherwise, congratulations on finishing your entry! Get some well-earned rest! 🙂
