Sep 27, 2023
I had fun reading c:
I think I agree with bubbles when it comes to the lack of any real conflict, but then again I enjoy slice of life a lot so it rly didn't bother me
however, I do think that a core emotional wound/ambition would've given this story more 'heart' so to say
like it's easy to see you've written for some time now
the two main leads are quite likeable and easy to root for, their relationship is cute, and you can tell they were infatuated with each other from the start so their relationship moving 'fast' was a natural thing (and I'm personally a defender of fast-paced romance, even love at first sight, because... yes >:( it happens sometimes and it's cute ok)
still, what could've been "wounds" (murasaki's dad, issei's brother) feel more like accessories for the story to function as such, which is to say, that Characters need Backstories and Flaws and Trauma
it feels very story
it feels very much like they exist because story, and even then, it's like a lot of those things get set up but never pay off so it's ????
near the end, I thought murasaki's family would cause the disaster to happen because, again, they've been set up as troublemakers (to put it lightly) who don't care to trample on her dreams if it means they can get what they want (to put it lightly) and it's been shown that they'll resort to violence as needed... but then the 'disaster'/climax was the beam randomly falling on her? like ???? I get issei could have his Character Development after saving her, but why not use the props you have? why improvise? idk, not sure if you wanted to u-turn or subvert expectations or whatever, but it caught me off guard in not a good way
furthermore, while it brings Issei's Arc(TM) to full circle... what about murasaki? Isn't she a lead, too? why did she turn into a prop with 0 resolution regarding her family issues? a lot of entries are quite-open ended for obvious reasons, but in your case and with your experience I really thought she would've at least have SOME closure rather than becoming the tool with which issei could (momentarily) overcome his trauma
idk
really not a fan
I think it's a Because Story moment because, ykno, near the end there has to be rising action and a climax and yadda yadda, so in a lot of slice of life romance I've noticed there's random and ultimately meaningless accidents of the sort that serve to culminate somebody's arcs, which is... fine, I guess, but I don't feel like you were going for 'fine' only
from what I read, I don't think you're 'fine' only, which is why I'm pointing this out (whereas with other stories I don't rly care to give feedback because it feels like more of a 'for fun' entry unless something really gets on my nerves)
sometimes it's ok to deviate from Because Story, even if common sense dictates otherwise, and I think that a lot of us fall into the trap of thinking that we have to add this or that because it's what's Supposed to Happen, and in your case it gives this weird sense of artificiality
also, like bubbles said, this leads to the feeling that you're 'holding back' somehow, playing it safe, which is 'fine'
don't just be fine >:P playing it safe is giving yourself skill issue
stop nerfing yourself >:P be less a writer and more an artist
tl;dr murasaki is 100% the horny one in their relationship
reminds me of ore monogatari tbh
he big, she small
he thinks h*ldng h*nds is kinky, she...
