Jun 04, 2023
Hey, I read the whole 4 chapters. The descriptions are quite good, and I can see your passion in this with your writing.
If I going to make my own suggestion here, you could split some of the paragraphs to smaller ones, there are some that you can easily split into two.
There's also blank space in this chapter, I don't think that's intentional though.
Last, try not to repeat the same words again in a row, especially in a single dialogue.
"Shut up already. You already making me nervous with so many words. Go to sleep already." Seemed off to me.
I would do it like this:
"Can you shut up already?" Asked the girl in frustration. "You are making me nervous. Stop talking and just go to sleep!" She exclaimed.
Well, this is just two-cents from me. I believe you know your story better than I do, and you are doing pretty good. Keep it up!
