Jul 17, 2021
Looking at the two separate parts, they felt a little disjointed. On one hand, you foreshadow the events that are yet to come, that whole other world that you hint of in your synopsis. On the second half, it switches to a very casual, straightforward first day to school. While you captured my interest in the beginning, it started sliding in the second half, which felt like every other first day at school scene.
One of the things that didn't help you was the constant passive voice. It dulls the storytelling as things aren't happening, but having happened to them. That and cycling through rather normal events to explain who Yukio is lacks a spice to them, especially for a first chapter.
