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A self-published author of "The Guardian of Hope."
Drafts available, up until Chapter 28~ Links below for the paperback and ebook~
Follow me on IG: erii1776 Find me on Discord: Erii#5151
What is an Achievement?
Jun 08, 2022
To:Deleted User
No, no! xD
We can imply it. Much of the city's old district is submerged, so the river's ecosystem has expanded slightly. Sure, it's a bit of an exaggeration of the 1976 Frederick Flood (The city it's based in.) However, I digress. Giant catfish were culprits to people disappearing in the Mississippi River or the Amazon for example. Eh, ever seen River Monsters? :3
The catfish? No. But, I'm sure it was responsible for the disappearance of fishermen around the area though. Don't worry, the birb will make itself known again. 😏
The world is slowly opening up... In bits and pieces. Each thing provides a component to the machine, so to speak~
Jun 07, 2022
I think a careful revision would lend well. (Personally, punctuations and story can pull me out pretty easily.) Its not to say it isn't coherent. It's just not as well delivered as I'd imagine it to be. There's still a direction to it.
Jun 06, 2022
We'll see~
xD But where are the bodies? 👀 And that's not any ol' big bird. More will be revealed in the next few chapters~
Jun 05, 2022
😯 Thanks for reading. I hoped it had enough intrigue~ I focus a lot on the characters, specifically Allie and Enne. But I hope I can capitalize off the worldbuilding since there's a lot of ideas I have in mind. I hope you'll stick around to the end!
To:Supersession
👀
To:lukas53
That's not my job. 👀
Um, it's your story. You should be aware of the parts you've written. If you insist on being defensive about my critique, a very subjective assessment, then there's very little reason for me to continue reading. I won't respond any further.
Well, no, but it would've been a good way to demonstrate a character's personality, otherwise they're both flat. Chemistry between character is suuper important. If you want a decent example, you can see the conversations between Allie and Enne in my story. There's some weight and personality behind their words. I don't have to tell you Allie is a skeptic or Enne is somewhat naive, its expressed.
But as a general rule, each to their own.
Monotone is just how it all feels. You say a character is wise-cracking, but they don't crack any jokes. And banter is banter, that's totally up to you.
Its... Littered throughout the story. Like every other sentence. That, or the wrong punctuations were used. 👀
Not much to report here. Thus far everything lacks... polish. Missing punctuations, for instance, which mattrr. There is a prevailing monotony to the story, one I can't quite get invested in.
I think 0am translates into 12:00AM... Unless you're basing time off a "military time," I forget the technical term, it's 00:00. Alternatively, midnight. I haven't a clue why I'm so caught up on that.
Anyway~ There's a lot of "telling" mixed with "showing." If someone holds off on stabbing someone in throat but wants to there are more impactful ways, i.e a glare, the way her hands tremble. Body language is universal and speaks a lot more than telling us how they feel.
I know they're supposed to robots (I think) But the dialogue felt very clunky. Some dialogue tags would've for emphasis would've lended well. Everything about this felt monotone.
I certainly wish 27 would've cracked a joke instead of it being implied. Demonstrations via banter is always fun.
