Bubbles / Comments

Bubbles

7 Following

126 Followers

I'm Bubbles.

Currently on hiatus.

registered at: Aug 13, 2020

Roles

Author

Moderator

Badge

bronze

What is Badge?

Achievements

What is an Achievement?

Report this user

Comments

aaa

Jul 09, 2021

I see that this chapter has been split from the prologue and whilst it benefitted it, I would be remiss not to list additional qualms.

It is important to realise that a character doesn't only speak, but there is also a certain tone of voice and a movement associated to it. And whilst not entirely lacking, I must say that there are several instances where a speech or action tag would've been beneficial. For the first half of the chapter, it feels like Noah and the android are idling a lot, both of them displaying their personality solely through verbal communication. However, non-verbal (gestures, expressions) and para-verbal (intonation, tone of voice, emotionality) are more often than not left to dust. As such, stereotypical defaults are applied and I believe that detracts from the individuality you love to portray in your characters. Keep this in mind.

I have found a couple of expressions that feel a little off. Whilst a lot of the writing shines in its brevity, some of it goes the other way. I would give a read to find those such as 'green like leaves falling from the trees of the summer season', that go an extra mile for no good reason.

The dialogues were greatly enhanced. As described above, the characters personalities are very obvious through what they say and this goes a long way. Indirect characterisation is on point, kudos :3 If I were to subtract anything from the dialogue, however, it would be some things being a little bit unnatural. Whether it be by asking too many questions, volunteering too much information or starting to feel like a moving wikipedia more than a human, at some point a balance must be struck.

A suggestion would be to have some of the exposition be shown, absorbed through events rather than dialogue. Whilst some should definitely be kept, allowing it to be passively learnt would greatly reduce the load on the spoken bits and air the story a bit.

For the most part, however, the changes have improved the quality of the chapter. I liked the dynamic between our two protagonists here, their interactions reminding a lot of a certain RWBY duo. If anything is to be taken away is that these are rather minute issues, and nowhere near as serious as I (unintentionally mistakenly) make them out to be.

Plus, you get a hug react from me :3

That's it.

Bubbles, out :3

REALM ASSASSIN

Chapter:1

Jul 09, 2021

Hiho!

I must say it's quite a long time since I've read a suicide scene and this one is truly something...something.

Your chapter starts strong with a very reflective, mise-en-abyme type of incipit, but afterwards it fails to deliver on that gnawing feeling afterwards.

Passages of routine are mingled with meditations on life's meaning, all coming from the eyes of a teenager that's supposed to be slightly removed from this sphere. The note comes off so suddenly and with little to no indication. It would've worked if it were the first thing the reader saw, but it isn't, so it's shaky.

The writing style is all over the place, very brief descriptions put side by side with very verbose bits of inner monologue that describe turmoil and toiling. And at some point, I can't shrug the feeling of the narrator simply explaining things to the reader, whereas they are supposed to tell us the story, to narrate. He also seems to be quite a fine connoisseur of human psychology, able to peer into people's heads and describe them with an accuracy I'm quite envious of.

I will give credit where credit is due. There is a clear attempt at using elaborate language and meditation, and it works well for the most part. The beginning paints a beautiful picture of self-doubt and there are certain phrases that ring quite deep. The inner monologue of the protagonist has a beautiful cadence to it at times and his words flow well, when he doesn't stop to describe how gravity works.

It was a very valiant attempt and an emotional tour de force, but I felt like the devastation felt flat. Described only through words like 'traumatised' and 'shocked' doesn't do it justice. It would be so much better to allow the reader a glimpse inside the protagonist's head, his stream of consciousness. Play with perspective, with visual and auditory stimuli to create a harrowing experience that truly encompasses the trauma of suicide. Rely on images that are painted, not simply said by words.

That is all.

Bubbles, out :3

Along The Way

Chapter:1

Jul 08, 2021

A splendid opening chapter, bravo!

I appreciate the straying away from the simple, rather undescriptive style of LNs with something that has plenty of them. It's a tour de force, a true spectacle of the senses and eyes. I must say, however, at times you get a bit carried away, and the details start to sound echo-y, as if the same things get repeated a lot but annoyingly so. Around the mid-part of the initial 'resolution' you can see that.

The premise is also nice, an isekai reversal (not a reverse isekai), wherein the hero shows a disconnect from a world he used to inhabit. It's very well-portrayed, particularly by showing the mannerisms he inadvertently inherited from years of doing things a specific way. I think this should be a very important plot point of this story and focusing on it could go a long way.

One caveat I would list is how the writing becomes rather unclear at times. It's ornate, decorated with frills that one can't help but savour, but it sacrifices a good deal of clarity through reverberations of the environment and the confusing transitions. I would pay particular attention around dialogues, beginning and ending of a speech-heavy scene, because the remarks that make it apparent who is speaking are a bit confusing. (I had thought that both character were speaking when Hope was the only one monologuing)

Overall, a solid beginning that shows off the beginning of a troubled soul having to relearn old habits. An interesting journey that I await a conflict for. Kudos, dear sir, and I'll see you around :3

Bubbles, out :3

The Hero Who Returned Remains Traumatized in the Modern World

Chapter:0

Jul 07, 2021

'tis a fine continuation that finally adds an explanation to the title and a reason to the zaniness of it all.

The story is filled with the humour I've come to expect from you and it never fails to deliver on the weirdest, yet still enjoyable scenarios I could never comprehend. The death scene, in particular, rings so true, yet still captures the ridiculousness of swatting, so kudos on that :3

A particular caveat is the rather lengthy exposition at the beginning. His NEET status could've been condensed a bit more, since some of it felt a tad dragged out. But, I guess it just made his death all the more pathetic.

That is all.

Bubs, out :3

Why Kill? When Witches Can Be Tentacled!

Chapter:2

Jul 07, 2021

'tis been quite a nice beginning, the misty surrounding and lugubrious atmosphere providing an adequate beginning for this story. The fighting is intriguing and captivating, the vision being (quite ironically) clear of this misty fight.

The lack of proper formatting notwithstanding, I'd say a qualm I have is with the rather monotonous inner monologue. It feels like the character's thoughts are very basic, unenthused and impersonal, as if she isn't really feeling anything whilst she's fighting. No dread, no regret, just like a shell. If that's what you were going for, kudos, you've done it. Otherwise, it might be worth looking into it.

That's it.

Bubbles, out :3

Six

Chapter:0

Jul 07, 2021

Aww, a cat (cafe) academy. That must be such a wonderful place to study at. I enjoyed the mystery of it all, particularly with the cat-eared person just coming in to snatch the girl and do God knows what with her. (I'm thinking/hoping she becomes a cat person too)

There were some rather clumsy things here and there, particularly at the beginning, the flash-forward being a little out of place (since it is rehashed later in the story) and the exposition about the familial situation of Hikari, but nothing too severe to warrant a rewrite.

I'd have loved if the MC was a little bit more developed, so far she seems to be a little stale. We have a first person narration, but apart from her love for cats, nothing else shines through. Try making her a bit more vocal in her inner monologue, lest it feels like third person narration with first person pronouns.

That's it.
Bubbles, out :3

Cat's Hour [UNDER REVISIONS]

Chapter:1

Jul 06, 2021

Welp, it was about time I got to reading this :3

Couple of opinions: I like Aurora (of course I do, she's based on my favourite person from the community) and she has an interesting personality. If I could jot her down in a broad stroke that'd be 'Bubbly Han Solo.' However, apart from a couple of interactions at the beginning that showcased her, the rest of it feels like she's just going through the motions. Rather soullessly. Something to keep in mind.

The pacing is adequate, captivating even. I have liked the dynamism conferred by the interactions between Aurora and the control tower/bridge what have you. The sense of urgency, however, it felt a little in and out of there. The carelessness of Aurora's reaction kind of fell flat when the only indication of necessity we have is from one adverb describing the commander's speech.

As for the worldbuilding, it's enormous and properly showcased, bits and pieces sticking out here and there, but nothing too drastic to require overhauls. It's a nice balance you've struck, compared to previous works, so bravo (I'd use italics if I could).

Lastly, the plot, albeit not explored, is a good cliffhanger, WN-style. We are left with sufficiently many questions that we want to keep reading and enough clarity to read out of enjoyment, not spiteful want of understanding. So, overall, I suppose all I have to say is...

Good job :3

Bubbles, out :3

Lost Paradise

Chapter:1

Jul 05, 2021

I loved this :3

It gives a very Konosuba-esque vibe just because of how ridiculous Snazzy-chan is and how quirky everything is from the narrative style to the sheer absurdity of it all. I hope this continues to be as comedic and light-hearted as this first chapter :3

Why Kill? When Witches Can Be Tentacled!

Chapter:1

Jul 05, 2021

This is a rather interesting concept, unfortunately struggling from the approach taken. The air is of mystery, however we are slapped with unknown after unknown and it really detracts from the atmosphere we're supposed to feel.

The descriptions are lacking, the dullness described unfortunately seeping into the word choice. The characters are rather one-note, simply heads we're made aware of before their lines are uttered to no end.

I have to say that I loved Emma, though, she felt like the only one to have a sense of personality, her sarcasm and awkward jokes ringing very close to my heart. I'd advise you to use her a lot, she's by far the best of the bunch.

Bubbles, out :3

A School Christmas Story

Chapter:1

Jul 05, 2021

The atmosphere is gnawing from the start, but it's unfortunately the only thing going for the story. I felt a little confused when reading it, partly because information is tossed at the reader without much of a time to digest, before the next bit is tossed in.

The tonal shifts that happen here and there took me out of the ominous feel and the transition in the middle felt very sudden. Overall, I think this could be a lot more streamlined with a bit more length and attention to the stylistic constraints such a heavy plot imposes.

Bubbles, out :3

Zero.

Chapter:1

Jul 05, 2021

With a cover like this, I was expecting epic fights from the get-go and I must say I got what I bargained for. I particularly enjoyed the way the fights played out, although having been described a little summary and lackluster at times. But that didn't matter, the pacing was adequate and kept me enthralled for the entire read.

The dialogue, however, falls a little bit short. Noah's is primarily used for exposition and it comes across as very unnatural. For the most part, he is literally just explaining the world to someone he seems to just have met. Try to make him a little less of a plot-device in the future.

Bubbles, out :3

REALM ASSASSIN

Chapter:0

Apr 09, 2021

Hiho :3

So, this story, this story. First and foremost it has a super captivating premise! I like the ideas of lucid dreaming and dreamscapes in general, so this is an instant hook for me.

As for the style, it could use some work. Try to ease off the repetitions. Sometimes you tend to use the same word a lot in quick succession and it makes the composition feel simplistic. The same comment can be made about the descriptions, which are either lacking or extremely broad and undetailed.

A potential way to make the writing flow better is to alternate your sentence structure. As of now, most of them start with the subject and follow the same pattern: X did Y. It's important to switch the focus every now and again, so that the reader can have their attention wandering past the character itself; this makes for a more natural experience.

As for the pacing, it's quite adequate. It's brisk, just as it should be for this type of beginning, and it ends on a cliffhanger that really makes the reader want to keep reading, find out what's happening. That's a kudos from me :3

Bubbles, out <3

Forbidden Dreamscape

Chapter:1

Aug 14, 2020

Hewwo!

So, let's start with the beginning, as it is:) Beautiful writing, splendid word usage and portrayal and I love your imagery and pacing! It felt...right, not too fast, not too slow and the events flowed naturally, one after another.

The descriptive part at the beginning was well-crafted and I loved the slightly meditative tone it put out. It reminded me a lot of those old mahou shoujo series, where it all began with an introspective look into the character's core motivations, their power source and their values. *Might be far from what was meant, but that's how I saw it and I loved it.*

I have a couple of qualms, though...First of all, this needs a reread by yourself. There are a couple of mistakes here and there, mostly pertaining to grammar and sentence structure. Those are the innocent, unforced mistakes, and they're good to make, actually! On a reread they heighten your ability to spot them firsthand!

Another qualm I had was with some of the descriptions. Some were a little too verbose, especially the one that pertained to the symbols of the incantation. Also, some had a bit of an odd-wording to them, an example of which would be 'plain as saucers' (I understood it but still found it a bit...off)

But lastly, I loved the scene where the HeartBit of Damnation (I see whatchu did there) was introduced and fought. I liked it especially since it is a force, not necessarily an individual that's being fought, which adds an extra layer of complexity to the story.

Plus, the characters are quite neatly drawn (with words), penciled with that pleasant cautious senpai - reckless kouhai vibe which I'm an absolute fan of.

I would advise editing the chapters a bit before publishing them, giving them one good ol' sweep for mistakes and looking for a more...not normal but plain wording. Whilst being unique is great, being too unique can be a bit of a turn-off since it comes across as disconcerting rather than quirky-unique. BUT! I loved it. Loved the characters, loved the action, loved the incantation. Set me back to 90s era anime. 10/10 would recommend.

Yours truly,
Bubbles <3

Ideasthesia

Chapter:0

Aug 14, 2020

Heyo,

I just wanted to say that I absolutely loved this eerie prologue you've written! The dehumanised figure of Salem, her goal, her thought process and her entire character was all pristinely crafted and I have no takeaways or qualms to incur there.

It was a beautiful read, with descriptions sweeping upon one another, a soft, gallant pace that built to the conclusion of the prologue naturally and organically and that left me wanting a lot more to read, because I was genuinely interested in what this machine (which I will guess is the main character if this were to be a perfect prologue) will turn out to be.

The form of the writing was amazing, inner monologue perfectly mingled with narration, events being attributed with meaning and feelings put behind them, all beautiful. There are certain flaws here and there, grammatical ones, mind you (spelling errors, words being omitted and certain phrases being a little nonsensical but nothing a reread won't do)

One thing I'd like to point out is that, at times, the writing takes a turn for the purple. It becomes too laden with pompous words and phrases that it actually detracts from the quality of the writing. An example to bring int o question is the multiple monikers you've used for Salem in the beginning (white girl, corpse, ghost, etc.). At the time of her name reveal I was lead to believe there were two different characters that have merged together, so I'd advise you tone it down a little as it may prove not confusing, but hard to digest for some.

Still, this was a masterfully crafted piece that I wholeheartedly enjoy and I can't wait for the next installment!

Yours truly,
Bubbles <3

Exuberance

Chapter:0

Aug 13, 2020

Hiyaaa,

Beautiful continuation from the prologue. I loved it, loved the characters and their dynamic, as well as the way her confusion was portrayed. The accident is mysterious enough to warrant a further read, I'm hooked!

A couple issues I've had, though: the writing feels a little robotic at times. There are a lot of 'said's in quick succession that become bothersome, and the dialogue is a bit unpolished. You can drop the big, overly eloquent sentences. They're kids and doctors explaining situations to kids, it's natural they're making it easy to understand. *Also, if you don't want to repeat stuff just use 'this' or 'that', pronouns not weird words like 'fluid.'*

I loved the dynamic between the two sisters. Caring, loving and a good, solid foundation for a relationship to be explored later on. And they had a cute moment at the beginning, with the 'bear-hugs' to further underline their sisterhood.

However, at first read I had a hard time discerning between her and Bonnie? Are they the same person, since I recall there being only 3 kids in the beginning, so...? Am I missing something? It might be so because it's late here, so sorryyyy.

But anyway, good chapter, needs a little bit of polish (you misspelt some things and straight up ate some letters), but it's a great hook for the story! I hope we see some intrigue soon.

Yours truly,
Bubbles <3

Who am I?

Chapter:1

Bubbles

Novels

Gallery

Comments

Reviews

aaa